Sexy, Sappy or Slimey? (PART TWO). Dating Tips for Clueless Dudes

WINE:

Sexy: You can't go wrong with a good bottle of Pinot Noir or a Califonia Cabernet. Don't skimp and get the cheapest stuff. Save that for those lame dinner parties your married friends invite you to. And NEVER, EVER chill red wine. That's amateur league. So are rose or blush wines. If you need to bring a white wine to go with fish, or on a hot steamy summer evening, choose a California Chardonnay or a Sauvignon Blanc. And by the way, screw tops and plastic corks are becoming acceptable as long as it is a decent bottle of wine; real corks can spoil wine. And if Champagne is called for and you want a good bottle without paying big bucks, get the Roederer Estate.

Sappy: Riesling tops my list here. This is a dessert wine, and unless you're coming to her place for cheesecake, she'll know that you are wine illiterate. Even sappier: Blue Nun. Sappiest: wine coolers.

Slimey: Anything in a jug or a box lets everyone know what a hillbilly you are. And any wine made of a fruit other than a grape is just unforgiveable. But bringing a bottle of Everclear and dumping it in her juice when she isn't looking is the slimiest of all. That and powdered "date rape" alcohol.

DINING:

Sexy: Stay away from anything franchised and choose a local place with candles (white tablecloths optional), and if the weather is nice, a patio. You'll get cool points if you venture into foreign food. Of course you lose those points if you screw up the pronounciation on the menu. Advanced move: an evening picnic by candlelight.

Sappy: Anything that can be found along the highway frontage road in every American city. No Awesome Blossoms, got that? And NEVER, EVER go to a place like Old Country Buffet. Unless, of course, you are really, really OLD.

Slimey: If the pick-up truck to car ratio is more than 2 to 1, you are definitely in redneck territory. I don't care if the VFW Hall has the best ribs in town: no, no, NO! And if they take away your glasses after nine and replace them with plastic cups, get the hell out of there before someone gets hurt.

MUSIC:

Sexy: Take her to a little spot where they have independent rock or blues bands playing live music. I hate to say it, but jazz clubs are just tedious and OLD. Extra cool points for thoughtfully bringing her a pair of ear plugs. If the weather is decent, outdoor concerts are the best. And if you are under 30, you can get away with going to a night club, but make sure there is a decent-sized crowd there before you show up.

Sappy: Going to see cover bands (although a tribute band can be kind of fun) that play the same kind of crap you hear at work on the Oldies station. Even worse: polka bands.

Slimey: Taking her to the strip club "just because you enjoy the music."

GIFTS:

Sexy: For some reason, women are biologically attracted to jewelry. And I'm going to give you a great tip here on a gift that will work for your girlfriend as well as your mother: get her a Pandora bracelet. This is the perfect gift for dudes who can't stand putting a lot of thought, effort and cash into buying gifts. You start her off by giving her the chain and a couple of beads for under $100. Then on each occasion thereafter--her birthday, your anniversary of something, Valentine's Day, Christmas--you give her one or two MORE beads to add to it. It's kind of a "pay as you go" gift, and I guarantee she'll think it is the coolest.

Sappy: Forget the damned book of love poems or the Time-Life Collection of the 100 Greatest Love Songs of all times. No teddy bears, either.

Slimey: Two words: "crotchless panties." If she sees "Frederick's of Hollywood" on the box, you've got it all wrong. If she's worth dating, she'll already have a drawer filled with sexy lingerie that actually fits her.

And here's some other advice: Don't buy her clothes (unless it's a fun T-shirt or something tongue-in-cheek). Or perfume. I haven't met a dude yet who has given me clothes that fit or perfume that I'd ever wear.

The lamest gifts of all: boxed sets of DVDs that are really for YOU, not her.