Sexy, Sappy or Slimey? (Part ONE): Do's and Don'ts for Dudes who Date

Nothing says: "I'd Love To Nail You" like a festive bouquet of colorful condoms. Isn't the travel coffee mug a sweet touch?

FLOWERS:

Sexy: hand-cut native flowers or an original arrangement of unusual flowers from a local shop.

Sappy: Anything from FTD or Teleflora. Extra sappy points for baby's breath.

Slimey: A bouquet of condoms from MOI Inc.

MUSIC:
Sexy: An original song written for her, but only if you have the musical chops. Otherwise a compilation of upbeat songs from indy bands. (You lose points for anything predictable or Top 40).

Sappy: Sending the lyrics to anything played on a Lite Rock station. (Extra sappy if you SING it to her).

Slimey: Sending the lyrics to "Slob on My Knob" by Three 6 Mafia. (You can Google that one yourself.)

POETRY:
Sexy: A short, pithy poem written for her. (But only if you have the writing chops. Posers need not apply. Remember, make it flirty).

Sappy: A long, rambling poem full of "poem-ches" (cliches in poetry, such as 'your eyes are like limpid pools. What the hell is LIMPID, anyway?)

Slimey: Doing a version of "Green Eggs and Ham" like:
"And I would fuck you in a boat. And I would fuck you with a goat...And I would fuck you in the rain.And in the dark. And on a train.And in a car. And in a tree. I am so good, so good, you see! So I would fuck you in a box. And I would fuck you with another fox. And I would fuck you in a ouse. And I will fuck you with a mouse. And I would fuck you here and there. Say! I will fuck you ANYWHERE!"

BED-AND-BREAKFASTS::

Sexy: A bed and breakfast with a cast-iron bed, handmade quilts and a fireplace, particularly one with historic value.

Sappy: A bed-and-breakfast filled with cheesy garage-sale knick-knacks and decorated in garish lace. (Extra sappiness if Pachelbel's Canon is playing).

Slimey: Using your parents' bedroom, then making her cook you eggs in the morning. (Extra slime points for taking her down to your van by the river and telling her that you've got her breakfast sausage "right here" and starting to unzip your pants).

HOLIDAY and SPECIAL OCCASION:
align="left">Sexy: For something hilarious and a tad naughty yet sophisticated, we highly recommend someecards.com. (Bet you can't send just one!) Also fabulous is Monk-E-mail from Career Builder.

Sappy: Anything from Hallmark or American Greetings, or those tedious cards with about 6 paragraphs of sentimental crap on them. Anything with a picture of a flower on it, or a couple holding hands in a sunset.

Slimey: Sending a postcard from the truck-stop gift store, particularly anything with a lascivious pig winking and saying "I LOVE eating pork!"Can't find something that tacky? Then try a tasteless e-card from Spencer Gifts.

WHEN IN DOUBT: Keep it FUNNY!