A Guys' Guide to Dating Attire...If He's STRAIGHT (humor)

First, do no homo. When considering any wardrobe alteration, be sure to ask yourself: Will this make me look gay? (She says: However, this is in conflict with scientific research done by the University of California at Berkeley's Online Dating Research Institute. According to one paper, women are more attracted to men who look more feminine. There's a fine line between gay and metrosexual...)

No style IS a style. There is no "right" way for a heterosexual American man to dress. The "right" way to dress is to put on your pants one leg at a time, like a regular guy. America was built by rugged individuals who bought their stuff off the clearance rack at Sears.

The man makes the clothes. One must take care not to project the subtle message of "I care." If you look too put together, women will start expecting other stuff, like good manners and grooming.

Underwear. This is the foundation. But clean? (like Mom always said?) Nah! Your intention is not to parade around in them for more than a few dark, drunken seconds. Buy them in dark colors to camouflage the skid marks.

Socks. The simple elegance of a jumbo bag of tube socks is you never need to search for a mate AND they go with everything!

Jeans: Women love the rugged look of good-fitting designer jeans. But at $150 a pop? Rather, opt for a cheap pair with enough room to accommodate your gut after a night of over-indulgence.

Shirts: There are many stylish shirts on the market in a variety of colors and patterns. You don't need them. You will never need them. And colors and patterns don't matter because everything goes with jeans.

Shoes. A straight man need never own more than four pairs of shoes. One must be worn 90% of the time. The others can be for weddings, court appearances, hunting trips, etc.

Accessories. Women go for guys who appear like they can "get the job done." Therefore, anything clipped to a midsection is a turn on: cellphone, compass, fanny pack, asthma inhaler, etc.

She says: Here's what to do if you have no clue: a pair of jeans (choose the ones that best show off your butt), a loose-fitting white shirt--don't tuck it in if you have a gut--a dark-colored jacket or leather coat, dark shoes with dark socks, and if you are balding, just buzz it down. If you need hairspray, you have the wrong haircut. And for God's sake, no mustache unless accompanied by a close-cropped beard.