The Top 50 MILFs (for Mother's Day!)

A

• Christina Aguilera
  


• Jessica Alba (due in early June 08)


• Pamela Anderson

B

• Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon


• Victoria Beckham


• Halle Berry


• Cate Blanchett

C

• Courteney Cox-Arquette


• Cindy Crawford


• Marcia Cross


• Sheryl Crow

D

• Geena Davis


• Drea De Matteo

F

• Tina Fey

G

• Jennifer Garner


• Melanie Griffith


• Stephanie Grimaldi, Princess of Monoco


• Maggie Gyllenhaal

H

• Lisa Hartman-Black


• Salma Hayek


• Eva Herzigova


• Faith Hill


• Katie Holmes


• Kate Hudson


• Helen Hunt


• Holly Hunter


• Elizabeth Hurley

I

• Iman

J

• Angelina Jolie

K

• Nicole Kidman


• Heidi Klum

L

• Heather Locklear


• Jennifer Lopez

M

• Madonna



• MINNEBARISTA!


• Demi Moore


• Kate Moss


• Bridget Moynihan

P

• Gyneth Paltrow


• Sarah Jessica Parker


• Amanda Peet


• Jaime Pressly

R

• Denise Richards


• Kelly Ripa


• Julia Roberts


• Meg Ryan

S

• Brooke Shields


• Gwen Stefani

W

• Reese Witherspoon

Z

• Catherine Zeta-Jones

69 Top Dirty Words in Spanish to Impress Your Cinco de Mayo Date!

Hola! Want to impress your Cinqo de Mayo date by talking dirty to her in Spanish? Here's a list of 69 terms found in The Alternative Spanish dictionary at http://www.alternative-dictionaries.net/dictionary/Spanish/2.html

1. acabar (verb) to ejaculate or, more general to have an orgasm (Used in Argentina. Literally it means to finish. Ohhh, estoy por acabar !! meaning Ohhh, I'm going to have an orgasm !!. It's obvious when it's used.

2. almeja (noun) † cunt (direct translation= clam) note A very strong word. DO NOT say it to a lady! Used in phrases such as : "le comi la almeja" which means "I licked her cunt"

3. arma (noun, fem.) penis note Literally, this means "weapon"; pronounced "AR-mah".

4. arrima tu prima: fuck the hell out of your cousin note these are cool words around gentleman

5. bajar al pozo: to eat pussy note Cuban usage. Ex: A Pedro le gusta bajar al pozo. Translation: Pete likes to eat pussy.

6. beso negro (noun) ‡ The act of having a woman or a man sucking someone´s anus (ass hole), first licking the external surroundings of it and afterwards having her/his tongue introduced into the rectum completely. note Literally, black kiss.

7. bicho (noun) Refers to the male penis note It is commonly use in Puerto Rico to refer to the male penis, not in a disrespectful way, but with a common street name. In South America it means a litle animal, something like a bug or spider.

8. bollo (masc., noun) † cunt, pussy note used in western Venezuela. Example: Tremendo bollo!! (Nice cunt!!!). Please note that in other areas of Venezuela it means 'mess' or 'trouble' so the same expression 'Tremendo bollo' would mean 'big mess' or 'deep trouble' in other areas of the same country.

9. cabron (noun, masc.) † a man who allows another man to have sex with his woman and doesn't do anything about it note Literally, this word means billy-goat. However, this widely used term means more than just bastard or bitch. This is a VERY rude term in Mexico, Central and South America. It can also mean faggot. An example of its usage lies in this popular phrase: "Chingate tu madre, cabron!" ("Fuck your mother, you fucking incompetent piece of shit who can't even get an erection!")

10. Cachar ‡ to copulate note Used in Perú. For other countries, see "tirar", "coger", "cepillar" ",montar", "comer"

11. capullo (noun, masc.) bud (literally) glans, the head of the penis (fig.) note Used as an insult it means asshole, idiot.

12. casquete † fuck (have a) note to have a fuck. For example " hechar un casquete " to have a fuck. Quite rude so don't say it to a lady if you fancy a shag.

13. cipote (noun, masc.) penis

14. Coger ‡ to copulate note Used in Argentina, Uruguay and Mexico. For other countries, see "tirar", "cachar", "cepillar" ",montar", "comer"

15. cojonear ‡ to fuck around note Cuban slang. Example: Pedro siempre esta cojoneando conmigo. Translation: Pete's always fucking around with me.

16. comer † to copulate note Used in Perú, Ecuador, Colombia, Chile, Venezuela. Lit. "to eat". For other countries, see "cachar", "coger", "cepillar" ",montar", "tirar"

17. concha (fem. noun) † cunt note Uruguayan slang. La concha de tu madre (your mom's cunt) is a strong insult. La concha tuya (your cunt). Conchita (diminutive), Concha Peluda (hairy cunt) are other common uses of the word.

18. conejo (noun, masc.) rabbit (literally), cunt (fig.)

19. coño (noun, masc.) cunt note May be used as an interjection meaning surprise, annoyance, or physical pain.

20. correrse (verb, reflexive) to have an orgasm note the intransitive "correr" means to run. Only the reflexive form has a sexual connotation.

21. crica † pussy note Used mostly in Puerto Rico.

22. culear ‡ to move the ass (lit), to fuck (fig)

23. chacon (noun, fem) † cunt note This come from the Argentinian lunfardo (slang) where many words are inverted by sillabes. So the original is concha. La chacon de tu madre should be read as La concha de tu madre (Your mother's cunt)

24. chichis (noun) † Tits note Used to talk about "large" women. You know what I mean.

25. Chinga tu madre Fuck your mother note I think it speaks for itself.

26. chingar to fuck note Mexican Spanish. Can be used on its own or in a sentence as 'chinga tu puta madre'. Literally it means 'fuck your mother of a whore' and is used in the same sense as 'fuck you'.

27. chocho (adj. masc.) cunt note Has the same meanings in Spain as in Mexico. Can be used as verb: "chochear", meaning that you are senile; rude for people over 50 Ex. "Este tio chochea"

28. chocha (noun, masc. or fem.) cunt

29. Chupame la polla!!! ‡ Suck my dick note Someone wrote Chupar Es Mi pinga..... that doesn't make any sense, you could say 'Chupame mi pinga' or 'Chupame la polla' or 'Chupamela'. All of them are very rude.

30. Chupar Es Mi Pinga † suck my dick note pronounced- chewpar s me peenga

31. dar candela por el culo ‡ to take it up the ass;to fuck someone in the ass; note Cuban usage; Ex: A Maria le gusta que le dan candela por el culo. Translation: Mary likes to take it up the ass.

32. encular (verb) † to bugger note To fuck by the asshole.

33. Fachar (verb) to fuck a woman "Esta buena, yo me la facho" note used in Venezuela

34. follar (verb, trans. and intrans.) to fuck

35. foquin (adj.) † fucking note This is a Puerto Rican parroting of the English "fucking." It is pronounced "FOH-kin"

36. güebo † cock note noun used commonly in Santo Domingo instead of "pinga", especially in phrases such as "mama mi güebo" (suck my cock).

37. hacer la {una} paja to masturbate note The reflexive form ("hacerse una paja") means to masturbate oneself. The transitive form ("le hizo una paja a su amigo") means to masturbate somebody else.

38. hacer la sopa (verb) to perform oral sex to a woman, to lick a woman´s pussy (fig.) note Literally means " to make a soup" . Example : Te voy a hacer la sopa ( I am going to suck your pussy)

39. hacer un cuadro to make a daisy chain note Cuban usage. Vamos buscar tres jebas y hacer un cuadro. Translation: Let's find three broads and make a daisy chain.

40. hacer una cubana (transitive and regular verb, periphrasis) ‡ to place a man's pennis between woman's breasts and use these to shake it up, so that the man can jerk off on them note It is frequently used in Spain as to define the hottest act a woman may perform for a man.I.e: Hazme una cubana, hazme una cubanita.

41. hacerse las punjetas [nj as in Espanja} † To masturbate

42. joder (verb, trans. and intrans.) to fuck, to bother.

43. Jodete y aprieta el culo! ‡ Cuban slang. Means: Go fuck yourself! note Need anything be said of this expression?

44. La concha de tu madre ‡ Fuck your mother note Argentine- Chilean slang. Also "conche tu madre". Equivalent to Mexican "Chinga tu madre"

45. madre (noun, fem.) ‡ mother fucker note In Mexico, this is the same as saying "mother fucker". If you want to talk about your mother or someone else's mother in a friendly manner, say "mama". If you have a death wish, say "Oye! Tu madre!" on the streets of Mexico. Mexicans take their mother's very seriously!

46. mamar (verb, trans. and intrans.) to suck

47. me cago en ... ‡ fuck the ...; literally "I shit on ..." note examples: me cago en ...(San) Dios; la madre que te parió; la virgen santa; los santos de Covadonga; el obispo negro; la leche; etc.

48. meterla de mira quien viene ‡ to fuck doggie-style, to fuck in the ass note Cuban slang. Ex: Te la voy a meter de mira quien viene. Trans: I'm gonna fuck you doggie style.

49. mico ‡ monkey (lit), cunt note Costa Rica

50. mojar {el churro} (verb) † to screw, to fuck note Literally: Dip the "churro" (spanish pastry). Used in Spain, mainly in conversation between friends.

51. ñema † cock, specifically the glans penis note noun used in Santo Domingo in phrases such as "macañema" (from "mascar": to chew) meaning cocksucker.

52. pajero (noun, masculine) † Jerk-off; jackoff; person who masturbates note A car known in the US as the Montero is sold in some European markets as the "Pajero," a name which some of my Spanish and Portuguese friends find hilariously stupid.

53. pechos (noun, masc., plural) breasts

54. pelotas michinados (noun, fem., adj., masc.) † blue balls note pronounced "pay-low-tas mee-chee-na-doze." It used only in jest with close friends. Otherwise, its usage is quite strong. This is most commonly used in Mexico, Central and South America.

55. pepita (noun, fem.) pip, nugget (literally), clitoris (fig.)

56. Pinga † dick note pronounced- peen-ga

57. Pipote (noun) ‡ clitoris note Literally: "big sunflower seed". So called because of the resemblance in shape to the clitoris. Used mainly in southern Spain.

58. raja (noun, fem.) slit (literally), cunt (fig.)

59. regarse (verb, reflexive) to have an orgasm

60. singar de mira quien viene ‡ to fuck doggy-style note Cuban usage. Ex: A Maria le gusta singar de mira quien viene. Translation: Mary likes to fuck doggy-style.

61. sobo; sobarsela (sobarse la picha) ‡ to masturbate note Costa Rica

62. te voy a comer el bistec (male. noun) ‡ i'm gonna stimulate your genitals by suckin' them. note very rude guys use this phrase when they want to eat her partner's cunt. note: the literal translation of bistec is steak.

63. teta (noun, fem.) breast

64. Tirar ‡ to copulate note Used in Perú, Ecuador, Colombia, Chile, Venezuela. For other countries, see "cachar", "coger", "cepillar" ",montar", "comer"

65. tomar por {el} culo to be buggered note In the expression "A tomar por (el) culo" it means get stuffed, get fucked.

66. tonto (noun, masc.) ☺ pussy, cunt

67. tu madre tiene un pene. ‡ your mother has a dick note good to cut some ass hole who is buggi'n you :)

68. tu padre (madre) † fuck your father ! (short from of "me cago en tu padre !")

69. verga penis note Common usage: "Mamame la verga" = "Suck my dick"

13 Signs That Your Fling has Flung (dating humor)

How do you know if romance is really retreating? Here are 13 signals!

1. No longer holding hands in movies or farts in bed


2. Texting during foreplay


3. Fewer comments about your sister's rack


4. Blow jobs now on third Tuesday of the month only


5. No longer putting down toilet seat . . . or flushing . . . or wiping . . .


6. Discrete calls in the middle of the day just to berate you


7. Dog more excited to see him or her than you are


8. Dog providing more intimate conversations than him or her


9. Going from casual complaining to friends to creating a dedicated blog


10. Holding door only if some hottie is walking in behind you


11. Suggesting you try a third


12. Only staying together for the cats' sake


13. "As Good as it Gets" has given way to "As Engorged as it Gets"

20 Ways to Save $$ on Dates as Prices Rise! (dating humor)

By PuppetMaster

With everything going up these days, here are some tips to keep down the price of pursuing your prince or princess!

1. Samplings. Go to a wine shop or grocery store during wine and food samplings. After you get loaded, swing by a furniture store and get busy on one of the sofas in the back. It'll create cherished memories for everyone, including the security guy.

2. Movies. Instead of going out, rent a DVD. Better still, if it's one you've seen before, skip the rental and just annoy him or her by quoting lines from it until they either lead you to the bedroom or throw you out.

3. Wine. Sneak a bottle into the restaurant and take turns discretely slipping away to the bathroom to take swigs from a paper bag.

4. Brunch. Forgo that frilly meal with the linen tablecloth in favor of a simple, protein-rich blow job.

5. Sex toys. Make your own! Fido's gone to doggy heaven and won't be using that collar or leash anytime soon!

6. Exercise. Go for long, rambling walks for long, rambling conversations that bring up contentious subjects you might never have discussed until the much, much later. And you'll save even more money by calling it quits sooner!

7. Dessert. Offer to to split a dessert four ways with the couple next to you. In addition to the nice conversation, you might be able to hook up with one of them if it does work out with your date.

8. Volunteer date. Get the warm fuzzies by volunteering together to serve dinner at a homeless shelter. You'll get a hot meal and may even be able to score some killer weed.

9. Flowers. Drive by the flower shop dumpster after closing for slightly expired bouquets. Be sure to remove any used syringes or condoms from the arrangements so you don't dampen the effect.

10. Health care. Your fifth test maybe free! Inquire at your friendly STD clinic whether they have a loyalty program with a punch card or key fob.

11. Bathing. Save on spendy soap and water by going "old school" with your hygiene and showering once a week. Besides, it's important that they learn to appreciate you for what's inside...

12. Cell phone. That expensive plan is killing you! Instead of texting, send flirtatious smoke signals while burning all your old love letters.

13. Dating services. Do away with pricey dating services and look for dates at more conventional venues, like churches, grocery stores, and wayside restrooms.

14. Cologne/perfume. Make it yourself! How hard could it be?

15. Reuse. The Egyptians did it and so can you. Reuse condoms!

16. Donations. Take a trip 'a deux to the plasma center. Afterwards, join the other customers for a pint of Thunderbird in the park next door and watch the sun set over the aluminum recycling center.

17. Coupons. Yeah, nothing says romance like coupons.

18. Bookstores. Go book-browsing together. Better still, go book-stealing! They'll never suspect wholesome bores like you.

19. "Personal lubricant". Buy your KY in bulk containers and offer to share with a neighbor. Who knows what might develop??

20. Hobbies. Stay home, pop some popcorn and surf dating sites together and make fun of other people. It make you feel like less of a loser.

Sexy, Sappy or Slimey? (PART TWO). Dating Tips for Clueless Dudes

WINE:

Sexy: You can't go wrong with a good bottle of Pinot Noir or a Califonia Cabernet. Don't skimp and get the cheapest stuff. Save that for those lame dinner parties your married friends invite you to. And NEVER, EVER chill red wine. That's amateur league. So are rose or blush wines. If you need to bring a white wine to go with fish, or on a hot steamy summer evening, choose a California Chardonnay or a Sauvignon Blanc. And by the way, screw tops and plastic corks are becoming acceptable as long as it is a decent bottle of wine; real corks can spoil wine. And if Champagne is called for and you want a good bottle without paying big bucks, get the Roederer Estate.

Sappy: Riesling tops my list here. This is a dessert wine, and unless you're coming to her place for cheesecake, she'll know that you are wine illiterate. Even sappier: Blue Nun. Sappiest: wine coolers.

Slimey: Anything in a jug or a box lets everyone know what a hillbilly you are. And any wine made of a fruit other than a grape is just unforgiveable. But bringing a bottle of Everclear and dumping it in her juice when she isn't looking is the slimiest of all. That and powdered "date rape" alcohol.

DINING:

Sexy: Stay away from anything franchised and choose a local place with candles (white tablecloths optional), and if the weather is nice, a patio. You'll get cool points if you venture into foreign food. Of course you lose those points if you screw up the pronounciation on the menu. Advanced move: an evening picnic by candlelight.

Sappy: Anything that can be found along the highway frontage road in every American city. No Awesome Blossoms, got that? And NEVER, EVER go to a place like Old Country Buffet. Unless, of course, you are really, really OLD.

Slimey: If the pick-up truck to car ratio is more than 2 to 1, you are definitely in redneck territory. I don't care if the VFW Hall has the best ribs in town: no, no, NO! And if they take away your glasses after nine and replace them with plastic cups, get the hell out of there before someone gets hurt.

MUSIC:

Sexy: Take her to a little spot where they have independent rock or blues bands playing live music. I hate to say it, but jazz clubs are just tedious and OLD. Extra cool points for thoughtfully bringing her a pair of ear plugs. If the weather is decent, outdoor concerts are the best. And if you are under 30, you can get away with going to a night club, but make sure there is a decent-sized crowd there before you show up.

Sappy: Going to see cover bands (although a tribute band can be kind of fun) that play the same kind of crap you hear at work on the Oldies station. Even worse: polka bands.

Slimey: Taking her to the strip club "just because you enjoy the music."

GIFTS:

Sexy: For some reason, women are biologically attracted to jewelry. And I'm going to give you a great tip here on a gift that will work for your girlfriend as well as your mother: get her a Pandora bracelet. This is the perfect gift for dudes who can't stand putting a lot of thought, effort and cash into buying gifts. You start her off by giving her the chain and a couple of beads for under $100. Then on each occasion thereafter--her birthday, your anniversary of something, Valentine's Day, Christmas--you give her one or two MORE beads to add to it. It's kind of a "pay as you go" gift, and I guarantee she'll think it is the coolest.

Sappy: Forget the damned book of love poems or the Time-Life Collection of the 100 Greatest Love Songs of all times. No teddy bears, either.

Slimey: Two words: "crotchless panties." If she sees "Frederick's of Hollywood" on the box, you've got it all wrong. If she's worth dating, she'll already have a drawer filled with sexy lingerie that actually fits her.

And here's some other advice: Don't buy her clothes (unless it's a fun T-shirt or something tongue-in-cheek). Or perfume. I haven't met a dude yet who has given me clothes that fit or perfume that I'd ever wear.

The lamest gifts of all: boxed sets of DVDs that are really for YOU, not her.

The 8 Factors of Dating Profile Attractiveness (research-based!)

Classic example of what NOT to post on your dating profile:


Online dating and Internet-based social networks (such as Meetup.com), have given singles unprecedented opportunities to meet plenty of new people. Just login into the sites, and you'll have access to 40 million singles---half of all those in the US.

The sites don't offer just quantity, either. With search filters, you can narrow it down to a sizable pool of dream dates in seconds. Got a hole in the schedule? Go online and you can fill it in minutes.

So given all of this technology and all of the choices at our fingertips, why are you still spending hours glued to your computer screen and not getting anywhere with the babes and the dudes?

Online dating research experts think it's not them, but it's YOU. You've come to expect that this is all a numbers game and that the technology will eventually lead you to the perfect match. And it's the inflated expectations you have that lead to your insanity---going back for date after date and expecting someone better. Not being happy with the one you are with because there are 50 more on your wait list to churn through before you can relax.

Or even worse: the babes with the qualities you like want nothing to do with you. While we can't help you if you are truly a mess, here are some things you need to know to make sure you aren't blowing it on the details. These insights were gleaned from empirical research performed at the University of California at Berkeley, which has a whole departmental effort around the study of online dating:

1. LESS is MORE when it comes to profiles. The researchers have discovered that the more details you include in your profile, the more likely you will get a low response, because details are usually more TURN-OFFS than TURN-ONS. (Especially since most of those details are LIES). That said, those who are highly descriptive will find that the few who do contact them will generally be much more compatible.

2. MASCULINITY is the number-one predictor of "attractiveness" for women looking for men, when they see all of your profile: the photo, the fixed-choice answers and the freestyle essay. That said, there is a bit of a hitch: if you look slightly more feminine in your photo, it helps, but your essay needs to let 'em know you aren't gay. A nice metrosexual look is probably what they are going for.

3. EXTROVERSION is the number-one predictor of "attractiveness" for men looking for women when they see the whole profile. (They must think the extroverts put out more easily, don't you think?) And extroversion is a tie-breaker quality that women look for in men. So don't be so damned shy!

4. TRUSTWORTHINESS is the number-one thing women look for in a man's photo. So nix those shots of you with the two dozen beer bottles and the bimbo on your arm, dude! Throw away the shot with the cigar, sunglasses and smug little smirk. Genuineness and trustworthiness are those most important factors in your essay, too. So don't come across like a player or a smart-ass.

5. SELF-ESTEEM is the number-one thing men look for in a woman's photo. So ladies, trash-can those bedroom lingerie shots (or save them for Adult Friend Finder or Craigslist). They ain't helping you.

6. FEMININITY is the number-one thing men look for in a woman's essay. So quit talking about how you love football and hunting and are "just one of the boys." The last thing he wants to do with you is take you fishing, believe me. He has other things on his mind for you. That said, don't talk about your goofy girly hobbies, like scrapbooking. He definitely does NOT want to scrapbook with you.

7. THE PHOTO is the MOST important part of the profile for both men and women. You have to nail it with a great picture. If you include a dorky shot of you holding the camera into the bathroom mirror, you are doomed. Ask your opposite-sex friends to take your photo and choose the best one. And that one in which you wear your work uniform? Absolutely NOT!

8. BUT THE PHOTO ISN'T ENOUGH. You must also have a great essay. Don't know what to say? Contact me at this site and I'll make it over for you. (Seriously. I get fan mail for my profile writing.)

And remember, set your damned expectations appropriately. Everyone inflates their profiles. And as always, watch out for anyone asking you for money. (Well, except me, of course!)

A Guys' Guide to Dating Attire...If He's STRAIGHT (humor)

First, do no homo. When considering any wardrobe alteration, be sure to ask yourself: Will this make me look gay? (She says: However, this is in conflict with scientific research done by the University of California at Berkeley's Online Dating Research Institute. According to one paper, women are more attracted to men who look more feminine. There's a fine line between gay and metrosexual...)

No style IS a style. There is no "right" way for a heterosexual American man to dress. The "right" way to dress is to put on your pants one leg at a time, like a regular guy. America was built by rugged individuals who bought their stuff off the clearance rack at Sears.

The man makes the clothes. One must take care not to project the subtle message of "I care." If you look too put together, women will start expecting other stuff, like good manners and grooming.

Underwear. This is the foundation. But clean? (like Mom always said?) Nah! Your intention is not to parade around in them for more than a few dark, drunken seconds. Buy them in dark colors to camouflage the skid marks.

Socks. The simple elegance of a jumbo bag of tube socks is you never need to search for a mate AND they go with everything!

Jeans: Women love the rugged look of good-fitting designer jeans. But at $150 a pop? Rather, opt for a cheap pair with enough room to accommodate your gut after a night of over-indulgence.

Shirts: There are many stylish shirts on the market in a variety of colors and patterns. You don't need them. You will never need them. And colors and patterns don't matter because everything goes with jeans.

Shoes. A straight man need never own more than four pairs of shoes. One must be worn 90% of the time. The others can be for weddings, court appearances, hunting trips, etc.

Accessories. Women go for guys who appear like they can "get the job done." Therefore, anything clipped to a midsection is a turn on: cellphone, compass, fanny pack, asthma inhaler, etc.

She says: Here's what to do if you have no clue: a pair of jeans (choose the ones that best show off your butt), a loose-fitting white shirt--don't tuck it in if you have a gut--a dark-colored jacket or leather coat, dark shoes with dark socks, and if you are balding, just buzz it down. If you need hairspray, you have the wrong haircut. And for God's sake, no mustache unless accompanied by a close-cropped beard.

18 Signs that Your Date is Thouroughly DRUNK

While most of us instinctively know a drunk date when we see one, apparently the folks in Oregon are a little naive. That's why the thoughtful people at the Oregon Liquor Control Commission took it upon themselves to pull together a piece educating their citizens on the "Signs of Visible Intoxication." We can just imagine some dude printing out the list, going into the urinal and checking it off. "Yup, she's ready now!"

Here's some of the brilliant insights they've assembled to help us detect drunkenness in our dates:

1. Rambling train of thought
2. Lack of focus and eye contact
3. Bravado, boasting
4. Overly animated or entertaining
5. Making irrational statements
6. Slow response to questions or comments
7. Loud, noisy speech
8. Careless with money
9. Annoying other guests and employees
10. Argumentative
11. Aggressive or belligerent
12. Obnoxious or mean
13. Making inappropriate comments about others
14. Crude behavior
15. Foul language
16. Mussed hair
17. Disheveled clothing
18. Inappropriate sexual advances
    
    Is it us, or based on these observations is Rush Limbaugh wasted 24/7?

Still not sure? Then look up the complete list of "50 Signs of Visible Intoxication" from the Oregon Liquor Control Commission...

Know before you go: Important dating words!

From the Urban Dictionary.

Asstastrophe: When a blind date shows up being significantly more overweight than you expected, either based on retouched or outdated photos they have shared, or exaggerated descriptions of themselves as being "athletic and toned" or "average." A highly common occurence among online daters.

Boner blinded: When a man is so obsessed with a woman that he is completely oblivious to everything else when she is around [or overlooks obvious red flags].

Cockblock: One who prevents another from scoring sexually. Female equivalent: Pussyblock.

Date bait: Any material object or event that entices the opposite sex to seek interest in reuniting with a person at a later date.

Date farts: The long and seemingly never-ending stream of farts that come after you've dropped off your date and/or left their house in the morning because you've been holding them in.

Divorce cherry: (submitted by the PuppetMaster) The somewhat virginal state a person is in after being married for a number of years and (often) being deprived of sex.

Ejacuvate: The "hit it and quit it" principle. A one night stand. To have sex with a woman and then get your walk on.

One night relationstand: When a woman thinks she is going to get a relationship out of it but it turns out to be a one night stand. Or when its supposed to be a one night stand but it turns into a relationship!

Regretgasm: An orgasm that is immediately, or soon thereafter, regretted upon, as you were having sex with someone you should not have been having sex with.

Relationblip: A very short relationship with little real importance to either member; usually lasting between one day and three months and entered into "for the hell of it."

Relationshit: A relationship with a significant other that has gone sour and both parties are too scared and/or lazy to call it quits.

One Rocking Dude's Retort to Dating Do's and Don'ts: EVEN FUNNIER

Here's a retort to yesterday's post Sexy, Sapppy or Slimey? Do's and Don'ts for Dudes who Date from GuitarHero in Minnesota:

Flowers ?

Don't do it! EVER!

If you have the unfortunate circumstance to get hooked up with a lady who expects flowers, sever the relationship immediately. You do not want to set a flower precedence. Buy her a cactus. A small cactus, no bigger than your penis. A cactus will live for months with no water. It will be alive and well in her kitchen long after your "amazing connection" has floundered. Just think, after you are long gone the cactus will still be there brightening her day. Every once and a while she will glance over, see the needles of the cactus and think of you....and your tiny prick.

Music?

Quotes from John Cusak/Rob Gordon from the movie High Fidelity:

" The making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art,there are many do's
and don'ts."

AND

"You are using someone else's poetry to
express how you feel; this is a very delicate thing."

So proceed with caution. No love songs.

I agree with Minnebarista on this one. Writing a catchy tune works like a charm. (okay, it worked once). Feel free to hone your songwriting chops for years and years. If you keep working at it eventually someone will realize how brilliant you are and fuck your brains out, at least once.

Poetry?

Dear GOD, you are not going to let her read that drivel are you ?

My personal research concludes that 99.9% of all poetry is crap. Furthermore, since the beginning of time there have been fewer than 100 poets worthy of publishing. You are not one of these poets. Step away from the computer and reassess your life. There is a high probability that after revealing your masterpiece to a potential mate you will find yourself muttering over and over and over...."what was I thinking?"

If you insist on inflicting this heinous courtship mistake on the object of your affection, the first thing you need to do is go see your doctor. Ask him to put his hand down your pants to see if he can find any testicles. He won't find any, even though you probably used to have a pair. Don't worry--there have been marvelous medical advances in testicular prosthetics. Tell your Doctor that you really need a set, as soon as possible. After you have had your new balls professionally installed by a Certified Testicle Installation Technician you can begin to compose your poetry. Make sure you rhyme as much as possible. Chicks love that. You may want to warm up with a nice Haiku.

When it is time for her read your work of literary genius, try to make sure you are in a neighboring county. If you make the mistake of remaining in the room, sit down and cover your crotch with both hands. It is a reflex motion for a lady reading bad poetry to reach out and sock the offending poet in the sack. Don't blame her, it just happens. I am sure getting punched in your fake testicles hurts much less than getting punched in real testicles, but by this time I'm sure you have become quite attached to your new balls. You paid a lot of money for those nuts, so protect them. If she actually likes your poetry, immediately drop to one knee and ask her to marry you. She is a keeper, don't let her get away, if she can put up with your crappy poem she can put up with anything.

Bed and Breakfasts?

Can someone please explain the appeal of a bed and breakfast to me? Seriously, I don't get it. How about a Downtown Hotel with all-night room service? Or better yet, a sleazy motel on the outskirts of town with a Polaroid camera.

Holiday and Special Occasion Cards ?

Stop with the ridiculous Hallmark cards. Just say "No!" You don't want to set a card precedence, either. (This is coming from a guy who stands over the garbage can while opening his cards. I just can't throw them away fast enough.) Where does it stop ? It stops right here. Any dummy can swing by the Kwik-E-Mart and buy a stupid card. Most of you do. Quit being that dummy.

Here is what you need to do: go to your local Head Shop, Artsy-Fartsy, Pretentious Knick-Knack store. Buy yourself a bunch of cards handmade by local artists. The artwork is generally very good, and the cards have none of the robotic Hallmark nonsense printed on the inside. You are now free to insert your own nonsense. But don't think about it too much, just write down the first thing that pops into your head. You don't want her to start expecting you to be romantic and witty all the time. It is the thought that counts, so quit thinking. And for God's sake don't hand it to her--how LAME. Put a stamp on it, lick the envelope and put it in the mail. Nothing says "I'm Mr. Right" like a handmade card delivered to her mailbox. After she thanks you with sex, explain to her that the artwork on the card is very special and should be framed. This piece of special art will be on her wall long after your "incredible connection" has gone kerplunk. And every once and a while she will notice the art, and think of you.....and your tiny penis.

Photo borrowed from the following site:

http://www.carlchristensen.com/seminar/images/cactus.jpg

Sexy, Sappy or Slimey? (Part ONE): Do's and Don'ts for Dudes who Date

Nothing says: "I'd Love To Nail You" like a festive bouquet of colorful condoms. Isn't the travel coffee mug a sweet touch?

FLOWERS:

Sexy: hand-cut native flowers or an original arrangement of unusual flowers from a local shop.

Sappy: Anything from FTD or Teleflora. Extra sappy points for baby's breath.

Slimey: A bouquet of condoms from MOI Inc.

MUSIC:
Sexy: An original song written for her, but only if you have the musical chops. Otherwise a compilation of upbeat songs from indy bands. (You lose points for anything predictable or Top 40).

Sappy: Sending the lyrics to anything played on a Lite Rock station. (Extra sappy if you SING it to her).

Slimey: Sending the lyrics to "Slob on My Knob" by Three 6 Mafia. (You can Google that one yourself.)

POETRY:
Sexy: A short, pithy poem written for her. (But only if you have the writing chops. Posers need not apply. Remember, make it flirty).

Sappy: A long, rambling poem full of "poem-ches" (cliches in poetry, such as 'your eyes are like limpid pools. What the hell is LIMPID, anyway?)

Slimey: Doing a version of "Green Eggs and Ham" like:
"And I would fuck you in a boat. And I would fuck you with a goat...And I would fuck you in the rain.And in the dark. And on a train.And in a car. And in a tree. I am so good, so good, you see! So I would fuck you in a box. And I would fuck you with another fox. And I would fuck you in a ouse. And I will fuck you with a mouse. And I would fuck you here and there. Say! I will fuck you ANYWHERE!"

BED-AND-BREAKFASTS::

Sexy: A bed and breakfast with a cast-iron bed, handmade quilts and a fireplace, particularly one with historic value.

Sappy: A bed-and-breakfast filled with cheesy garage-sale knick-knacks and decorated in garish lace. (Extra sappiness if Pachelbel's Canon is playing).

Slimey: Using your parents' bedroom, then making her cook you eggs in the morning. (Extra slime points for taking her down to your van by the river and telling her that you've got her breakfast sausage "right here" and starting to unzip your pants).

HOLIDAY and SPECIAL OCCASION:
align="left">Sexy: For something hilarious and a tad naughty yet sophisticated, we highly recommend someecards.com. (Bet you can't send just one!) Also fabulous is Monk-E-mail from Career Builder.

Sappy: Anything from Hallmark or American Greetings, or those tedious cards with about 6 paragraphs of sentimental crap on them. Anything with a picture of a flower on it, or a couple holding hands in a sunset.

Slimey: Sending a postcard from the truck-stop gift store, particularly anything with a lascivious pig winking and saying "I LOVE eating pork!"Can't find something that tacky? Then try a tasteless e-card from Spencer Gifts.

WHEN IN DOUBT: Keep it FUNNY!

The Top 11 Reasons Your Desperate Dating Behavior Scares Me!

***Note: this post ranked 87th worldwide for all blogs tracked by IceRocket***

You'd think that PuppetMaster (the dude) and I (the babe), would have little to complain about. We're attractive, funny and smart and manage to meet a lot of high-quality people online and in person. We're "people people."

And it's a curse we've both complained about this week, I tell ya!

All too often---in fact, most of the time---the initial enthusiasm turns into something initially a little clingy. Then somewhat needy. Then outright desperate.

So we run. And we're frustrated enough to tell you why:

1. After four hours, you follow up two unanswered emails with two more text messages and an unanswered phone call and finally settle for adding him as Facebook "friend."

2. You tell us you are buying tickets to a concert that is four months away, even though we haven't officially had a first date, yet.

3. You call "just to hear my voice on my answering machine." Twice a day. Daily.

4. You show up for your date 90 minutes early. At our homes.

5. After not hearing back from your barrage of emails, phone messages and text messages, you start stalking us online, becoming paranoid if you see that we have been on the dating site recently, even though you know that we are regularly on the site collecting writing material.

6. You watch our blogs for a new post, then become insulted that we have used our time to do anything other than call you.

7. You start calling our friends. Or sending emails to our family members. (Yikes!)

8. You stalk our Meetup pages to see who has posted Shouts at us lately, and to find out which RSVPs we have accepted, and start worrying that we are secretly seeing some other person in the group.

9. You start scrolling through our LinkedIn profiles, worrying that any new person we've added as a contact is a new boyfriend or girlfriend. Anyone with an attractive picture is suspect.

10. You try to get us to respond to bargaining. Can't we work on it? Can't we start over? Can't we get together today--just as friends?

11. You start worrying that blogs like this are about you. But you'll be happy to know you are in good company with others.

So stop smothering the flames, you daters! Fire needs oxygen. And those of you who can learn to be cool sometimes get another chance down the road. Just read a little David DeAngelo or Christian Carter, and you'll get your game back.

Seven things women can do to guarantee they’ll remain single

OK, maybe some people just don't have the "partnering up" gene, and they are happy and that's just fine. There is even an acknowledged personality type, quirklyalone, who prefers single-dom, and that's super. But for women who complain about there not being enough good men out there, this is for them.


1. Hanging out exclusively with married women and confirmed-single sisters in book clubs, etc.

2. Getting married to jobs that require way too much time and travel – the jobs their married-with-children coworkers don't take!

3. Wearing heels when they’re already tall – do they really mean to intimidate men of average height?

4. Spending a lot of time traveling to exotic destinations where the only single men are doormen and street musicians, and coming home “a changed woman” who can no longer relate to boring normal guys.

5. Pouring boatloads of money and time into their houses and creating beautiful spaces which will mostly remain empty.

6. Immersing themselves in solitary, time-consuming hobbies, like marathoning.

7. Getting a fucking dog and treating it like a child.

IMPORTANT dating "tips" for guys (dating humor)

In his e-Book, "Double Your Dating", the first thing you learn from Eben Pagan aka "David DeAngelo" is that "attraction" is not a CHOICE -- that you can't really MAKE a person want you because it's REALLY a "biological/chemical" thing. He then proceeds to give you tips on how to CREATE "attraction", as if it's NOT really a "biological/chemical" thing after all. (You also realize that you won't get very far with the ladies with a name like "Eben Pagan.")

The other "take-away" is that REALLY "hot" women DON'T play by the same rules than their "less-hot" sisters do; that you need to act half WACKO (verging on "abusive") with them and make them insecure so that they will SOMEHOW find you "attractive", even if you're really JUST a "nice" guy.

Oh yeah, and David D teaches you that it's OK to put "common" words and phrases in quotes and use LOTS of CAPS instead of italics for emphasis. It's a GREAT way to create to add a "huckster-like" quality to your writing. TRY it!

Here's a list of some actual headings from his emails. The funny thing is he never really gets around to telling you how to do these things -- even in his e-Book. (OK, which I finally bought!)

--How to approach women step-by-step
--How to "stop" a woman on the street
--How to be a "real man" and trigger attraction in women
--How to find out if she's single
--How to "impress" her on a date
--How to get what you WANT from women
--How to create "chemistry" with women
--How to act when a woman likes you
--How to use "body language" to attract women
--How to "warm up" a "cold" woman
--How to deal with "tests" from women
--How to act around VERY attractive women
--How to date woman "out of your league"
--How to control your emotions around women
--How to make a woman laugh
--How to approach a woman and take her home
--How to get past a woman's defenses
--How to make a woman FASCINATED by you
--How to PREVENT rejection from women

And finally...
--How to "bounce back" from a break up

She (Minnebarista) says: seriously, dudes, a lot of you are WUSSBAGS. So many of you blow it after first attracting me by doing EVERYTHING to scare me off from that point on. I recommend reading some of the columns from DoubleYourDating so you can finally LEARN what it takes to keep my fingers off of the door. Tell David DeAngelo that ReaniMate sent you there!

Top 13 Mistakes MEN Make on First Dates

Remember "Mystery Date?" Will he be a dream....or a dud? Double-click the image for a video suprise.

All based on true experiences!

1. Make me flex my arm and feel my bicep to see if I really work out. The fact that you are a doctor makes me worry that you'll personally examine me for STDs before sex.

2. Talk about how your best friend, the coroner, saw 28 bodies compressed into a blob the size of a suitcase after an airplane crash. I guess it's one way to get me to lose my appetite and cut down on the size of the check.

3. Drone on about quarks and other aspects of physics for one solid hour. Then chuckle and say you have been described as "Cliff Claven if he were good looking."

4. Tell me you left your wife after she was diagnosed with cancer and had a hysterectomy, cuz, well, she couldn't satisfy your needs anymore. I really believe you when you say she gave you her blessing.

5. Order a third glass of wine after I tell you that my ex has alcohol problems. Then let me know how you and the bartender are great buddies. Is your name NORM, for Christ's sake?

6. Email me photos of your erection with my name written next to it. (Although it is impressive as I have a LONG name).

7. Talk to every stranger in a crowd like you are the host of your own reality show. What? Is this date being televised?

8. Excuse yourself to go to the men's room 8 times in one evening. What the hell ARE you doing in there?

9. Take 3 extended phone calls on your iPhone while we are eating to gab with your college-aged kids. Do you think THEY take your calls during dates, dude?

10. Tell me that your last relationship ended because you got caught two-timing on your girlfriend with your ex-fiancee, just after you asked her to move in.

11. Describe to me in detail just how much of an asshole you were while you were an alcoholic. Um, I guess I can relate to being married to a guy like you.

12. Gush about how you are so worried about how your baby is doing during the date. That would be fine if we were talking about a child, but in this case, it's a puppy.

13. Tell me about the unusual sexuality of your last two girlfriends, whom you dated for an extended period of time. Sorry, dude, but I still don't get the difference between being bisexual and "pansexual." Now I'm wondering what strange diseases you might be carrying.

13 mistakes women make on first dates*

*all true!

13. Inviting him to feel the head of the surgical screw on the forearm injury she got in a recent (DWI?) car accident.

12. Drinking so much that he thinks he should take her home just for her own safety.

11. Mentioning that her ex thought she talked too much and then proceeding to talk for a straight 20 minutes.

10. Mentioning she's planning to move soon. When asked where, she says she's not sure because... she was foreclosed on!

9. Inviting him to a nice place for dinner and then not making even a vague attempt to pay.

8. Mentioning she's embarassed to see a guy in the bar who she was once "with" (i.e. one-night stand).

7. Going to a dark bar or restaurant early to get a seat and not getting up to greet him when he arrives. Towards end of the date, getting up to go to bathroom and revealing she's an Asstastrophe!

6. Telling him she wants to take it slow (when he's not even sure he wants a second date!)

5. Being way too enthusiastic about showing pictures of her dog or cat.

4. Telling him she doesn't forget anything (but meaning it somehow in a positive way...)

3. Starting a sentence with "Are you the one who...?"

2. Telling him she's losing custody of her child, but that "It's for the best."

1. Mentioning over lunch that she's starting a new business to be marketed to schools: lice and nit removal. Actual slogan: "We make louse calls."

Top 11 Reasons Your Kids Shouldn't Decide If Your Date's "A Keeper"

1. Sure, Billy Ray Cyrus seems like a cool, single dad NOW, but young girls don't remember the Achy-Breaky mullet.

2. Much like the Iraqi Parliament officials, their vote can be bought.

3. "Sure, mom, spend all the time you want with him so I can spend more time surfing porn on YouTube."

4. Never trust the opinion of a child who thinks The Wiggles or The Doodlebops are manly.

5. A few ounces of silicone can completely change a teenage boy’s perspective.

6. Boyfriend initiating a cute game of “count my medications” can distract kids from bigger-picture issues.

7. My 15 year-old son: “So if you got married, what does that make me and her (hot) daughter?”

8. If mom's a bitter bitch already, they know their lives will be a living hell if you take up with that 25-year-old trophy babe.

9. They’re too young to realize that the cherry-red Porsche is a tell-tale sign of a tiny penis.

10. Contrary to the pediatrician's advice, there is such a thing as too much MILF for a growing boy.

11. Given the option to truly be involved in the vote, mom would be licking Santa Claus' "candy cane."

Best Divorce Letter Ever (but I don't know whom to credit!)

By Anonymous

Dear Connie [sic],

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I've tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.

Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant 'til later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole butt thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

Dan

Coo coo ca-choo: In defense of dating the older hottie

1. "Hot" is not just a symptom of menopause! While being single is not without its stresses, older women without kids don't have the chance to grow all doughty and dumpy while shuttling pesky kids around, using their income for kids' clothes, activities, etc. Instead, they've spent that "kid-less dividend" on spas, retreats, wine tours, etc., where their wrinkles have been smoothed, if not removed.

2. It's more about stages than ages. Age is more about life cycles than years. In fact, some older kid-less women may act as young and immature as 20-somethings. Sure, there's a chicken-and-egg thing in there, but who cares.

3. More hip than hippy. While not being burdened with bearing and caring for the fruit of her womb, the childless hottie has often had the time and income to really develop interesting hobbies, friends, careers, etc. They've usually traveled extensively, often living in other countries for a time, and now are back to care for parents or see their nieces and nephews grow up.

4. "He's not dumb, just young." Older women may be more forgiving of a younger man's foibles. Stuff that would cause her to accuse a man her age or older as insensitive, stupid and rude, might be more easily excused as just ignorant, silly and cute coming from a younger dude.

5. "Want some candy, little boy?." A younger man may bring out the latent mother in an older woman. OK, maybe the GI Generation was pretty messed up with their "wife-as-mother" marriage model, but I for one think the world could use a little more of this old-fashioned goodness!

6. (Older) girls just wanna have fun! As women get older, maybe they just want the companionship of a good man. And if not that, maybe just a guy who can still get it up. Maybe they've fallen one too many times for the "success symbol", only to have him move on to younger fields, and now they're just OK with someone who can carry in bags of dog food!

50 reasons you'll never hear back from me on an online dating site -- unless you're a total babe!

By PuppetMaster! (Similar list on MEN's mistakes in archives link at right)

1. "Here are 47 pictures of me, all collected from many unsuccessful years of online dating."

2. "Here's me in artsy, pretentious, black and white poses. What I lack in natural beauty, I make for in attitude. And I will not look like this in person."

3. "Here's me completely naked hunched behind a guitar [true story!]. And yes, I was sexually abused. But don't you dare send me sexually suggestive comments. I'm being artistic!"

4. "Here's me looking my best when the first Clinton was in White House. Notice how it doesn't match my other pictures? God, I wish I still looked that way..."

5. "I'm not into players or games. At least not anymore. So here's me in bars hugging lots of gnarly guys who look like players."

6. "Here's me in sunglasses from 30 feet away so I may vaguely resemble a model."

7. "Here's me with my dog. He's the only male I've had an emotional attachment in 40 years. (That's 280 in dog years!)"

8. "Here's me with my cat. It's the only pussy that's been touched in my house in years!"

9. "Here's me at my friend's or sister's wedding. Guess which one I am! (Hint: The dumpy old maid.)"

10. "Here's me in exotic places that you couldn't afford to visit at my age because you foolishly had kids."

11. "Here's me with a butch-looking woman doing outdoor stuff. But I'm straight. I think."

12. "Here's me drunkenly hugging my friends on chick trips where none of us met any guys because we were too annoying."

13. "Here's me wearing a hometown sports team jersey to show that I'm really one of the guys -- even if you don't want me to be!"

14. "Here's me on my motorcycle! I'm one of the guys or maybe just a cycle slut. You pick!"

15. "Here's me at a table littered with a dozen empty margarita glasses. I'm wasted...again! Tee-hee!"

16. "Here's me with my arms around some guy I had a fling with that night! Why doesn't he ever call?"

17. "Here's me with my arms around my girl posse. We share everything! Including all of your secrets!"

18. "I strongly identify with a religious denomination, but I don't really practice. You don't have to practice either, but my family won't like you if you're not one of us. Sorry!"

19. "I have no kids and run marathons. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. And God, you've really let yourself go..."

20. "I have high salary requirements for you but I won't list my own -- I have a lot of credit card debt! Tee-hee!"

21. "I have 'some other viewpoint' when it comes to politics. I don't know or care about that silly stuff!"

22. "I'm a vegetarian or vegan. I'm a self-righteous pain in the ass."

23. "My handle includes references to where I live, who I root for, or the country that my great-great grandparents came from. In other words, I really got nothin'."

24. "My pastime is basically watching TV, so here's a list of my favorite shows. We can make out during commercials."

25. "My kids are the most important thing in my life! My singular devotion to raising these spoiled brats is what drove away my first husband!"

26. "I don't have a photo because I'm too private, am being pursued by the authorities, or am too nasty looking. You'll have to find out!"

27. "I'm finally writing to tell you that I've been too busy responding messages from more desirable guys, but good luck with your search... loser!"

28. "I make enough money to support a family of eight, but I expect you to make the same because I'm sure you'd be threatened by anything else and a salary figure is how I measure another human being's worth."

29. "A sense of humor is a must and to prove it, I will provide a bland, completely humorless profile."'

30. "I value honesty. I've made a lot of poor choices with men. BTW, I probably won't trust you."

31. "I'm hot Russian woman who wants very much to come to US and A to give you blow job. Just kidding! I'm actually the brother of the bitch and I'm trying to scam you! Ha-ha, stupid Yankee pig!"

32. "I don't really cook. I'm proud to lack a basic life skill. But I'll think less of you if you can't fix stuff on my ramshackle house!"

33. "I want to go to France and/or Italy because I've heard it's romantic! The furthest east I've been is Waukesha."

34. "I'm a good Christian girl. Here's a cleavage shot just to prove it. I think there's a crucifix in there somewhere! PTL!"

35. "I love to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie! Who would have ever thought of that!"

36. "I love coffee. I'm original!"

37. "Last read: People Magazine"

38. "My guy has to look great in jeans and a T-shirt, but also 'clean up' well for weddings, court appearances, etc. In other words, most of my men have been slobs."

39. "I am 40+ and never married. Only serious need apply."

40. "I love to go to 'dive bars.' This is what I call places outside of my sterile suburb that have people of economic backgrounds lower than mine where I can slum with losers like you."

41. "I'm still listening to music from college."

42. "I'm low maintenance. Not really, but I just think that'll get me more dates."

43. "I love a glass of wine. I'm original!"

44. "I don't drink. I usually only date guys I meet at AA, but that's been a disaster."

45. "I'm seven years older than you. Why don't you dress up like a pizza boy and come over!"

46. "I live three counties away. I've burned through all the guys in my area!"

47. "I love my job. I'm a...LAWYER!" (True story!)

48. "Here's a random, rambling, poorly-punctuated treatise about my feelings and thoughts on dating, men and life. No, the meds are not working..."

49. "I have very high standards -- higher than you could ever meet. Hell, I don't even know why I'm resorting to online dating, but I've burned all my bridges because everyone thinks I'm a bitch, which I am."

50. "Turn off: Sarcasm"

50 Reasons You'll Never Hear Back from A Total Babe Like Me on an Online Dating Site (dating humor)

All of the following are based on actual profiles on Match.com, OKCupid.com and SinglesNet. Any resemblance to you is just too damned bad. Similar list of WOMEN'S mistakes in archives list on right.

1. 1. "Here's me in camouflage and blaze orange with an animal I killed!"


2. 2. "Here's me holding a big fish I caught!"


3. 3. "Here's me dressed up like a baseball player!"


4. 4. "Here's me hiding my baldness in a baseball cap!"


5. 5. "Here's me in my cowboy hat!"


6. 6. "Here's me taking a picture of myself in front of a mirror...FLASH!"


7. "Here's me in the basement online at my computer, lit up by the monitor glow!"


8. "Here's another picture of a guy in a goatee!"


9. "Check out my arms in this wife-beater!"


10. "Here's me in my 'Vote for Pedro' shirt!"


11. "Here's me on my motorcycle [the most overused type of shot among men]"


12. "Here's me at a table littered with three dozen empty booze bottles!"


13. "Here's me with my arms around a bimbo who is not completely cropped out!"


14. "Here's me with my arms around my male roommate in every picture!"


15. "Here's me sporting a carefully pasted combover! [dude, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL; shave it off!]"


16. "Here's me singing karaoke!"


17. "Here's me in my gardening hat looking like Mrs. Howell!"


18. "Here's me talking to plants!"


19. "Here's me working at Wal-Mart!"


20. "I love hosting football parties!"--[you'll cook for my idiot friends!]


21. "I read predictable best-sellers!"


22. "I'm a pompous New Yorker reader!"


23. "My favorite restaurant is Applebee's!"


24. "I like to call women 'gals!'"


25. "I like hugs and snuggles"


26. "I use clever text words like gr8, 4U, Luv or Laff in my handle!"


27. "I can't think of any music I like so I'll be safe and say jazz!"


28. "I love Barry Manilow and Journey!"


29. "I'm a conservative and a liberal, but I'm moderate, too!"


30. "Here's my dog--she's my substitute child!"


31. "I'm athletic and toned--at least I was in high school!"


32. "I'm looking for a soul mate!"


33. "I like gerbils!"


34. "Jesus and I talk daily!"


35. "im unable to speel or punctiate!"


36. "I"M SCREAMING AT YOU IN ALL CAPS!!"


37. "I use LOL! way too often!"


38. "I'm showing you only my face because I'm an ass-tastrophe!"


39. "I don't have any form of custody of my children!"


40. "Here's a close-up of my package!"


41. "I'm just gonna wink because I'm too much of a wuss to email!"


42. "I'm a lawyer!"


43. "I'm writing you to tell you that you are too old!"


44. "I'm writing to tell you that you are a picky bitch!"


45. "I'm assuming you are desperate enough to date me because you are still online!"
    
46. "I'm interested in a Polyamorous relationship!"


47. "I am Russian scamming you for cash!"


48. "It's me again....stalking you!"


49. "I'll send you a photo if you ask!"


50. And finally: "My turn-off: sarcasm!"