Top 11 Reasons Your Kids Shouldn't Decide If Your Date's "A Keeper"

1. Sure, Billy Ray Cyrus seems like a cool, single dad NOW, but young girls don't remember the Achy-Breaky mullet.

2. Much like the Iraqi Parliament officials, their vote can be bought.

3. "Sure, mom, spend all the time you want with him so I can spend more time surfing porn on YouTube."

4. Never trust the opinion of a child who thinks The Wiggles or The Doodlebops are manly.

5. A few ounces of silicone can completely change a teenage boy’s perspective.

6. Boyfriend initiating a cute game of “count my medications” can distract kids from bigger-picture issues.

7. My 15 year-old son: “So if you got married, what does that make me and her (hot) daughter?”

8. If mom's a bitter bitch already, they know their lives will be a living hell if you take up with that 25-year-old trophy babe.

9. They’re too young to realize that the cherry-red Porsche is a tell-tale sign of a tiny penis.

10. Contrary to the pediatrician's advice, there is such a thing as too much MILF for a growing boy.

11. Given the option to truly be involved in the vote, mom would be licking Santa Claus' "candy cane."

Best Divorce Letter Ever (but I don't know whom to credit!)

By Anonymous

Dear Connie [sic],

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I've tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.

Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant 'til later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole butt thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

Dan

Coo coo ca-choo: In defense of dating the older hottie

1. "Hot" is not just a symptom of menopause! While being single is not without its stresses, older women without kids don't have the chance to grow all doughty and dumpy while shuttling pesky kids around, using their income for kids' clothes, activities, etc. Instead, they've spent that "kid-less dividend" on spas, retreats, wine tours, etc., where their wrinkles have been smoothed, if not removed.

2. It's more about stages than ages. Age is more about life cycles than years. In fact, some older kid-less women may act as young and immature as 20-somethings. Sure, there's a chicken-and-egg thing in there, but who cares.

3. More hip than hippy. While not being burdened with bearing and caring for the fruit of her womb, the childless hottie has often had the time and income to really develop interesting hobbies, friends, careers, etc. They've usually traveled extensively, often living in other countries for a time, and now are back to care for parents or see their nieces and nephews grow up.

4. "He's not dumb, just young." Older women may be more forgiving of a younger man's foibles. Stuff that would cause her to accuse a man her age or older as insensitive, stupid and rude, might be more easily excused as just ignorant, silly and cute coming from a younger dude.

5. "Want some candy, little boy?." A younger man may bring out the latent mother in an older woman. OK, maybe the GI Generation was pretty messed up with their "wife-as-mother" marriage model, but I for one think the world could use a little more of this old-fashioned goodness!

6. (Older) girls just wanna have fun! As women get older, maybe they just want the companionship of a good man. And if not that, maybe just a guy who can still get it up. Maybe they've fallen one too many times for the "success symbol", only to have him move on to younger fields, and now they're just OK with someone who can carry in bags of dog food!

50 reasons you'll never hear back from me on an online dating site -- unless you're a total babe!

By PuppetMaster! (Similar list on MEN's mistakes in archives link at right)

1. "Here are 47 pictures of me, all collected from many unsuccessful years of online dating."

2. "Here's me in artsy, pretentious, black and white poses. What I lack in natural beauty, I make for in attitude. And I will not look like this in person."

3. "Here's me completely naked hunched behind a guitar [true story!]. And yes, I was sexually abused. But don't you dare send me sexually suggestive comments. I'm being artistic!"

4. "Here's me looking my best when the first Clinton was in White House. Notice how it doesn't match my other pictures? God, I wish I still looked that way..."

5. "I'm not into players or games. At least not anymore. So here's me in bars hugging lots of gnarly guys who look like players."

6. "Here's me in sunglasses from 30 feet away so I may vaguely resemble a model."

7. "Here's me with my dog. He's the only male I've had an emotional attachment in 40 years. (That's 280 in dog years!)"

8. "Here's me with my cat. It's the only pussy that's been touched in my house in years!"

9. "Here's me at my friend's or sister's wedding. Guess which one I am! (Hint: The dumpy old maid.)"

10. "Here's me in exotic places that you couldn't afford to visit at my age because you foolishly had kids."

11. "Here's me with a butch-looking woman doing outdoor stuff. But I'm straight. I think."

12. "Here's me drunkenly hugging my friends on chick trips where none of us met any guys because we were too annoying."

13. "Here's me wearing a hometown sports team jersey to show that I'm really one of the guys -- even if you don't want me to be!"

14. "Here's me on my motorcycle! I'm one of the guys or maybe just a cycle slut. You pick!"

15. "Here's me at a table littered with a dozen empty margarita glasses. I'm wasted...again! Tee-hee!"

16. "Here's me with my arms around some guy I had a fling with that night! Why doesn't he ever call?"

17. "Here's me with my arms around my girl posse. We share everything! Including all of your secrets!"

18. "I strongly identify with a religious denomination, but I don't really practice. You don't have to practice either, but my family won't like you if you're not one of us. Sorry!"

19. "I have no kids and run marathons. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. And God, you've really let yourself go..."

20. "I have high salary requirements for you but I won't list my own -- I have a lot of credit card debt! Tee-hee!"

21. "I have 'some other viewpoint' when it comes to politics. I don't know or care about that silly stuff!"

22. "I'm a vegetarian or vegan. I'm a self-righteous pain in the ass."

23. "My handle includes references to where I live, who I root for, or the country that my great-great grandparents came from. In other words, I really got nothin'."

24. "My pastime is basically watching TV, so here's a list of my favorite shows. We can make out during commercials."

25. "My kids are the most important thing in my life! My singular devotion to raising these spoiled brats is what drove away my first husband!"

26. "I don't have a photo because I'm too private, am being pursued by the authorities, or am too nasty looking. You'll have to find out!"

27. "I'm finally writing to tell you that I've been too busy responding messages from more desirable guys, but good luck with your search... loser!"

28. "I make enough money to support a family of eight, but I expect you to make the same because I'm sure you'd be threatened by anything else and a salary figure is how I measure another human being's worth."

29. "A sense of humor is a must and to prove it, I will provide a bland, completely humorless profile."'

30. "I value honesty. I've made a lot of poor choices with men. BTW, I probably won't trust you."

31. "I'm hot Russian woman who wants very much to come to US and A to give you blow job. Just kidding! I'm actually the brother of the bitch and I'm trying to scam you! Ha-ha, stupid Yankee pig!"

32. "I don't really cook. I'm proud to lack a basic life skill. But I'll think less of you if you can't fix stuff on my ramshackle house!"

33. "I want to go to France and/or Italy because I've heard it's romantic! The furthest east I've been is Waukesha."

34. "I'm a good Christian girl. Here's a cleavage shot just to prove it. I think there's a crucifix in there somewhere! PTL!"

35. "I love to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie! Who would have ever thought of that!"

36. "I love coffee. I'm original!"

37. "Last read: People Magazine"

38. "My guy has to look great in jeans and a T-shirt, but also 'clean up' well for weddings, court appearances, etc. In other words, most of my men have been slobs."

39. "I am 40+ and never married. Only serious need apply."

40. "I love to go to 'dive bars.' This is what I call places outside of my sterile suburb that have people of economic backgrounds lower than mine where I can slum with losers like you."

41. "I'm still listening to music from college."

42. "I'm low maintenance. Not really, but I just think that'll get me more dates."

43. "I love a glass of wine. I'm original!"

44. "I don't drink. I usually only date guys I meet at AA, but that's been a disaster."

45. "I'm seven years older than you. Why don't you dress up like a pizza boy and come over!"

46. "I live three counties away. I've burned through all the guys in my area!"

47. "I love my job. I'm a...LAWYER!" (True story!)

48. "Here's a random, rambling, poorly-punctuated treatise about my feelings and thoughts on dating, men and life. No, the meds are not working..."

49. "I have very high standards -- higher than you could ever meet. Hell, I don't even know why I'm resorting to online dating, but I've burned all my bridges because everyone thinks I'm a bitch, which I am."

50. "Turn off: Sarcasm"

50 Reasons You'll Never Hear Back from A Total Babe Like Me on an Online Dating Site (dating humor)

All of the following are based on actual profiles on Match.com, OKCupid.com and SinglesNet. Any resemblance to you is just too damned bad. Similar list of WOMEN'S mistakes in archives list on right.

1. 1. "Here's me in camouflage and blaze orange with an animal I killed!"


2. 2. "Here's me holding a big fish I caught!"


3. 3. "Here's me dressed up like a baseball player!"


4. 4. "Here's me hiding my baldness in a baseball cap!"


5. 5. "Here's me in my cowboy hat!"


6. 6. "Here's me taking a picture of myself in front of a mirror...FLASH!"


7. "Here's me in the basement online at my computer, lit up by the monitor glow!"


8. "Here's another picture of a guy in a goatee!"


9. "Check out my arms in this wife-beater!"


10. "Here's me in my 'Vote for Pedro' shirt!"


11. "Here's me on my motorcycle [the most overused type of shot among men]"


12. "Here's me at a table littered with three dozen empty booze bottles!"


13. "Here's me with my arms around a bimbo who is not completely cropped out!"


14. "Here's me with my arms around my male roommate in every picture!"


15. "Here's me sporting a carefully pasted combover! [dude, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL; shave it off!]"


16. "Here's me singing karaoke!"


17. "Here's me in my gardening hat looking like Mrs. Howell!"


18. "Here's me talking to plants!"


19. "Here's me working at Wal-Mart!"


20. "I love hosting football parties!"--[you'll cook for my idiot friends!]


21. "I read predictable best-sellers!"


22. "I'm a pompous New Yorker reader!"


23. "My favorite restaurant is Applebee's!"


24. "I like to call women 'gals!'"


25. "I like hugs and snuggles"


26. "I use clever text words like gr8, 4U, Luv or Laff in my handle!"


27. "I can't think of any music I like so I'll be safe and say jazz!"


28. "I love Barry Manilow and Journey!"


29. "I'm a conservative and a liberal, but I'm moderate, too!"


30. "Here's my dog--she's my substitute child!"


31. "I'm athletic and toned--at least I was in high school!"


32. "I'm looking for a soul mate!"


33. "I like gerbils!"


34. "Jesus and I talk daily!"


35. "im unable to speel or punctiate!"


36. "I"M SCREAMING AT YOU IN ALL CAPS!!"


37. "I use LOL! way too often!"


38. "I'm showing you only my face because I'm an ass-tastrophe!"


39. "I don't have any form of custody of my children!"


40. "Here's a close-up of my package!"


41. "I'm just gonna wink because I'm too much of a wuss to email!"


42. "I'm a lawyer!"


43. "I'm writing you to tell you that you are too old!"


44. "I'm writing to tell you that you are a picky bitch!"


45. "I'm assuming you are desperate enough to date me because you are still online!"
    
46. "I'm interested in a Polyamorous relationship!"


47. "I am Russian scamming you for cash!"


48. "It's me again....stalking you!"


49. "I'll send you a photo if you ask!"


50. And finally: "My turn-off: sarcasm!"

Top 11 irritating things couples do (dating humor)

11. Sending holiday pictures with just their kid(s) because they're apparently too dumpy and/or estanged to appear together.

10. Sending holiday pictures of just their pet(s) because their kids are now teenagers and are also too dumpy and/or estranged.

9. Writing holiday brag letters in the third person when everyone knows its from the wife.

8. Wives complaining to others about their husbands when they've had too much to drink.

7. Husbands purposely belittling their wives in front of others.

6. Not being sure what to ask you about yourself and your weird single life, so they just drone on about remodeling projects and kids' activities. Zzzzz...

5. Husbands needing to clear every invitation with their wives because they have no time for themselves.

4. Complaining to you about their in-laws.

3. One word: "We"

2. Fixing you up with their single friend and thinking you'll be perfect together because s/he is the only other (pathetic) single friend they have.

1. Living vicariously through their single friends because their own relationship is apparently a barren emotional/sexual wasteland.

Now not in stores: Barf Curse Screw! A men's version of Eat Pray Love! (Humor)

Enough with Elizabeth Gilbert's chick fantasy book, Eat Pray Love!

Here's MY version!

Decoding Women's Online Dating Ads (Dating Humor)

"Athletic and toned" = I'm in shape -- round is a shape!
"Average" = A few extra pounds
"A few extra pounds" = A lot of extra pounds
"Curvy" = Fat
"Stocky" = Really fat
"Heavy set" = Extremely fat
"Voluptuous" = Thinks she's hot, but really just fat
"5' 8" = 5' 10""Emotionally secure" = Heavily medicated
"Financially secure" = Recently cut up all credit cards
"Free spirited" = Hair in the wrong places
"Off beat" = Hair missing in surprising places
"Non-conformist" = Shocking tattoos below the belt
"Adventurous" = Sleeps with everyone
"Friendship first" = Used to sleep with everyone
"Traditional" = No blow jobs
"Old fashioned" = Religious prude
"Opened minded" = Did paperboy last Sunday
"Artistic" = Made $25K last year
"Independent" = Attachment issues
"Low maintenance" = Low self-esteem
"Spontaneous" = Poor impulse control
"Easy going" = Airhead
"Looking for soul mate" = Stalker
"Not looking for perfection" = Ex is in Stillwater
"Vivacious" = Secret drunk
"Fun loving" = Not-so-secret drunk
"Baggage free" = Pathological liar
"Outgoing" = Loud and embarrassing
"Professional" = Bitch

Decoding Men's Online Dating Ads (Dating Humor)

"Christian/Other" = Fundamentalist Promise Keeper
"Spiritual but not religious" = Keeping the polygamy option open
"Athletic/Toned" = I once played high school sports
"5' 10" = 5' 8"
"Social drinker/maybe one or two" = That's in the morning
"Regular drinker" = Drunk right now
"Drink: Never" = I go to AA Wednesdays
"Professional" = Just got health insurance
"Heart of an artist" = Unemployed again
"Entrepreneur" = Utterly unemployable
"Harley rider" = Midlife crisis
"Long walks" = Low on funds
"Blues/jazz" = Milquetoast
"Romantic" = Horny, but insecure
"Sensual/sensuous" = Limp dick
"Erotic" = Date rape
"Communicative" = Expects phone sex
"Flirtatious" = Player
"Adventurous" = Wants a 3-way
"Looking for honesty" = Total liar
"Honest" = Tactless bastard
"Trustworthy" = Email me nude photos
"Loyal" = Clingy and needy
"Faithful" = Until my next date shows up
"Giving" = Keeps score
"Irreverent" = Arrogant asshole
"Intelligent" = Tedious and not compelling
"Baggage-free" = The restraining order was just lifted
"Carefree" = Survived herpes scare
"Unconventional" = Cross-dresser
"My job: IT professional" = Cyberstalker
"My job: Executive" = Controlling bastard ("the Man")
"My job: Massage Therapist" = Mentally ill
"Turn-ons: Erotica" = Great porn collection
"Last read: the New Yorker" = Pompous twit
"Want kids: Probably Not" = No way am I getting a vasectomy
"Want kids: No Way" = Vasectomy
"Sports and Exercise: Bicycling" = Possibly impotent, but probably shaved
"Interests: Shopping/Antiquing" = Homosexual fantasies
"Pets I like: Gerbils" = Enjoys buggery
"Best Feature: Eyes" = Wolf. "All the better to undress you with, my dear!"
"Best Feature: Lips" = Wolf. "All the better to eat you with, my dear!"

It's Time to Look at "The Rules" (Dating Humor)

Those generous folks who bring us Wikipedia have done us a favor by summarizing The Rules, made popular in a 1995 book that has been screwing up single women who are dating and trying to find the right man for a realtionship even more ever since.

Let's take a look-see, shall we?

02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
I prefer to mime. And yes, dancing at Caribou Coffee WOULD be kind of silly.
03: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
But staring at his package while licking the whipped cream off your Mocha is a sure-fire way to get his attention. And instead of talking, just say, "mmmmmm!"
04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
No, have the stranger come to your home; that's always safe. And I find the expression "going Dutch" offensive to my ethnicity. You might as well say "Go Jew and Haggle with him" or "Be an Indian Giver and let him pay, but don't put out."
05: Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
Good advice, because we know guys never have anyone else to call when you are playing hard-to-get.
06: Always End Phone Calls and dates First
To make sure, just shake his hand, then leave. And when he calls later, just hang up on him. Guys love that.
07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
But a Friday night date is okay.
08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date
Go to the gym and go directly to the date, unwashed and exhausted.
09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.
I'll bet your are going to say to act like I hate him.
10: How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
Same as the last rule.
11: Always end the date first
Um, didn't we just cover that?
12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
Good thing I find unromantic gifts so romantic. I might puke if I get flowers, particularly red flowers with Baby's Breath.
15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy
Let him show you where the bedroom is first. A bedroom romp is a sign of respect.
16: Don't Tell Him What to Do
But he likes when you show him.
17: Let Him Take the Lead
Yes, when bullets are flying, push him in front of you. Or was that "lead" like "leed?"
18: Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
Yes, he'll never change. He'll always be as perfect as he was on your first date. His place is always that neat and clean, too.
20: Be Honest but Mysterious
In other words, be your typical passive-aggressive Minnesotan.
21: Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads
Let them know that you are responsible about taking your medication and got your sentence reduced for excellent behavior.
23: Don't Date a Married Man
Unless you are my husband's girlfriend. You can have him.
24: Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children
But should I lie about having my kids full-time? They all seem to run when I mention that.
26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
Because your husband won't be expecting you to return his phone calls very often.
27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts
In other words, never listen to me.
30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
In fact, end all of your relationships first, so you'll never be rejected. One date is enough.
31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
Otherwise the stupidity of the rules would be exposed and no one would buy the book anymore.

A Gentlemen's Guide to First Date Manners

1. Meet at a definite spot. Don't just agree to meet at the restaurant. Rather, tell her you'll meet her inside the door. Chances are, neither of you will look much like your online pictures, and there's nothing more embarrassing than accidentally greeting the wrong person. That is, unless she's hot and available.

2. Let the lady go first. Whenever walking together, always have your date go ahead. This is somehow supposed to let her know that she's The Queen or something. Who knows. Plus, it gives you a chance to check out her ass and make eyes with the hostess.

3. Always hold the door. Unless it's just kind of inconvenient, like you're distracted taking on your cell or busy eyeing some other hottie. But otherwise, try to do it at least sometimes. Women like it for some reason.

4. Keep the discussion light. Don't bring up politics, religion, or children that you think you may or may not have. Keep your sexual proclivities, conspiracy theories, scars, etc. for the second date. And be sure to master the art of smiling and nodding while she prattles on. (But keep an ear out for rising inflections -- they maybe questions!)

5. Put a cork in it. The first date is not the time to display your bodily functions -- there will be time for that later, dude! Better to excuse yourself to the men's room. In an outdoor setting, a SBD may be "passable", but proceed at your own risk.

6. Ask for a second plate. If your date has some leftover food, don't just reach over with your fork. The same goes for the NY Strip that the cutie at the table next door may be picking at.

7. Pick up the tab. Men should always pay on the first date, so when the tab comes, promptly move it to your side. That is, unless the date's a dud. Then let it collect dust until she either reaches for it or you agree to split it.

8. Walk her to her car. This gives you an opportunity to gather more intel. If it's a 1987 topaz Probe with boxes of craft supplies piled in the back and a Jesus air freshener, hit the road, Jack!

9. Keep the goodbye light. At most, a hug and the peck on the cheek is all that's acceptable on a first date. That is, unless you're both really drunk and/or horny. Then have at it -- but offer to move the action to your van or the mattress in the back of your pickup.