Here's a retort to yesterday's post Sexy, Sapppy or Slimey? Do's and Don'ts for Dudes who Date from GuitarHero in Minnesota:Flowers ?
Don't do it! EVER!
If you have the unfortunate circumstance to get hooked up with a lady who expects flowers, sever the relationship immediately. You do not want to set a flower precedence. Buy her a cactus. A small cactus, no bigger than your penis. A cactus will live for months with no water. It will be alive and well in her kitchen long after your "amazing connection" has floundered. Just think, after you are long gone the cactus will still be there brightening her day. Every once and a while she will glance over, see the needles of the cactus and think of you....and your tiny prick.
Music?
Quotes from John Cusak/Rob Gordon from the movie High Fidelity:
" The making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art,there are many do's
and don'ts."
AND
"You are using someone else's poetry to
express how you feel; this is a very delicate thing."
So proceed with caution. No love songs.
I agree with Minnebarista on this one. Writing a catchy tune works like a charm. (okay, it worked once). Feel free to hone your songwriting chops for years and years. If you keep working at it eventually someone will realize how brilliant you are and fuck your brains out, at least once.
Poetry?
Dear GOD, you are not going to let her read that drivel are you ?
My personal research concludes that 99.9% of all poetry is crap. Furthermore, since the beginning of time there have been fewer than 100 poets worthy of publishing. You are not one of these poets. Step away from the computer and reassess your life. There is a high probability that after revealing your masterpiece to a potential mate you will find yourself muttering over and over and over...."what was I thinking?"
If you insist on inflicting this heinous courtship mistake on the object of your affection, the first thing you need to do is go see your doctor. Ask him to put his hand down your pants to see if he can find any testicles. He won't find any, even though you probably used to have a pair. Don't worry--there have been marvelous medical advances in testicular prosthetics. Tell your Doctor that you really need a set, as soon as possible. After you have had your new balls professionally installed by a Certified Testicle Installation Technician you can begin to compose your poetry. Make sure you rhyme as much as possible. Chicks love that. You may want to warm up with a nice Haiku.
When it is time for her read your work of literary genius, try to make sure you are in a neighboring county. If you make the mistake of remaining in the room, sit down and cover your crotch with both hands. It is a reflex motion for a lady reading bad poetry to reach out and sock the offending poet in the sack. Don't blame her, it just happens. I am sure getting punched in your fake testicles hurts much less than getting punched in real testicles, but by this time I'm sure you have become quite attached to your new balls. You paid a lot of money for those nuts, so protect them. If she actually likes your poetry, immediately drop to one knee and ask her to marry you. She is a keeper, don't let her get away, if she can put up with your crappy poem she can put up with anything.
Bed and Breakfasts?
Can someone please explain the appeal of a bed and breakfast to me? Seriously, I don't get it. How about a Downtown Hotel with all-night room service? Or better yet, a sleazy motel on the outskirts of town with a Polaroid camera.
Holiday and Special Occasion Cards ?
Stop with the ridiculous Hallmark cards. Just say "No!" You don't want to set a card precedence, either. (This is coming from a guy who stands over the garbage can while opening his cards. I just can't throw them away fast enough.) Where does it stop ? It stops right here. Any dummy can swing by the Kwik-E-Mart and buy a stupid card. Most of you do. Quit being that dummy.
Here is what you need to do: go to your local Head Shop, Artsy-Fartsy, Pretentious Knick-Knack store. Buy yourself a bunch of cards handmade by local artists. The artwork is generally very good, and the cards have none of the robotic Hallmark nonsense printed on the inside. You are now free to insert your own nonsense. But don't think about it too much, just write down the first thing that pops into your head. You don't want her to start expecting you to be romantic and witty all the time. It is the thought that counts, so quit thinking. And for God's sake don't hand it to her--how LAME. Put a stamp on it, lick the envelope and put it in the mail. Nothing says "I'm Mr. Right" like a handmade card delivered to her mailbox. After she thanks you with sex, explain to her that the artwork on the card is very special and should be framed. This piece of special art will be on her wall long after your "incredible connection" has gone kerplunk. And every once and a while she will notice the art, and think of you.....and your tiny penis.
Photo borrowed from the following site:
While most of us instinctively know a drunk date when we see one, apparently the folks in Oregon are a little naive. That's why the thoughtful people at the Oregon Liquor Control Commission took it upon themselves to pull together a piece educating their citizens on the "Signs of Visible Intoxication." We can just imagine some dude printing out the list, going into the urinal and checking it off. "Yup, she's ready now!"
