The Top 50 MILFs (for Mother's Day!)

A

• Christina Aguilera
  


• Jessica Alba (due in early June 08)


• Pamela Anderson

B

• Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon


• Victoria Beckham


• Halle Berry


• Cate Blanchett

C

• Courteney Cox-Arquette


• Cindy Crawford


• Marcia Cross


• Sheryl Crow

D

• Geena Davis


• Drea De Matteo

F

• Tina Fey

G

• Jennifer Garner


• Melanie Griffith


• Stephanie Grimaldi, Princess of Monoco


• Maggie Gyllenhaal

H

• Lisa Hartman-Black


• Salma Hayek


• Eva Herzigova


• Faith Hill


• Katie Holmes


• Kate Hudson


• Helen Hunt


• Holly Hunter


• Elizabeth Hurley

I

• Iman

J

• Angelina Jolie

K

• Nicole Kidman


• Heidi Klum

L

• Heather Locklear


• Jennifer Lopez

M

• Madonna



• MINNEBARISTA!


• Demi Moore


• Kate Moss


• Bridget Moynihan

P

• Gyneth Paltrow


• Sarah Jessica Parker


• Amanda Peet


• Jaime Pressly

R

• Denise Richards


• Kelly Ripa


• Julia Roberts


• Meg Ryan

S

• Brooke Shields


• Gwen Stefani

W

• Reese Witherspoon

Z

• Catherine Zeta-Jones

69 Top Dirty Words in Spanish to Impress Your Cinco de Mayo Date!

Hola! Want to impress your Cinqo de Mayo date by talking dirty to her in Spanish? Here's a list of 69 terms found in The Alternative Spanish dictionary at http://www.alternative-dictionaries.net/dictionary/Spanish/2.html

1. acabar (verb) to ejaculate or, more general to have an orgasm (Used in Argentina. Literally it means to finish. Ohhh, estoy por acabar !! meaning Ohhh, I'm going to have an orgasm !!. It's obvious when it's used.

2. almeja (noun) † cunt (direct translation= clam) note A very strong word. DO NOT say it to a lady! Used in phrases such as : "le comi la almeja" which means "I licked her cunt"

3. arma (noun, fem.) penis note Literally, this means "weapon"; pronounced "AR-mah".

4. arrima tu prima: fuck the hell out of your cousin note these are cool words around gentleman

5. bajar al pozo: to eat pussy note Cuban usage. Ex: A Pedro le gusta bajar al pozo. Translation: Pete likes to eat pussy.

6. beso negro (noun) ‡ The act of having a woman or a man sucking someone´s anus (ass hole), first licking the external surroundings of it and afterwards having her/his tongue introduced into the rectum completely. note Literally, black kiss.

7. bicho (noun) Refers to the male penis note It is commonly use in Puerto Rico to refer to the male penis, not in a disrespectful way, but with a common street name. In South America it means a litle animal, something like a bug or spider.

8. bollo (masc., noun) † cunt, pussy note used in western Venezuela. Example: Tremendo bollo!! (Nice cunt!!!). Please note that in other areas of Venezuela it means 'mess' or 'trouble' so the same expression 'Tremendo bollo' would mean 'big mess' or 'deep trouble' in other areas of the same country.

9. cabron (noun, masc.) † a man who allows another man to have sex with his woman and doesn't do anything about it note Literally, this word means billy-goat. However, this widely used term means more than just bastard or bitch. This is a VERY rude term in Mexico, Central and South America. It can also mean faggot. An example of its usage lies in this popular phrase: "Chingate tu madre, cabron!" ("Fuck your mother, you fucking incompetent piece of shit who can't even get an erection!")

10. Cachar ‡ to copulate note Used in Perú. For other countries, see "tirar", "coger", "cepillar" ",montar", "comer"

11. capullo (noun, masc.) bud (literally) glans, the head of the penis (fig.) note Used as an insult it means asshole, idiot.

12. casquete † fuck (have a) note to have a fuck. For example " hechar un casquete " to have a fuck. Quite rude so don't say it to a lady if you fancy a shag.

13. cipote (noun, masc.) penis

14. Coger ‡ to copulate note Used in Argentina, Uruguay and Mexico. For other countries, see "tirar", "cachar", "cepillar" ",montar", "comer"

15. cojonear ‡ to fuck around note Cuban slang. Example: Pedro siempre esta cojoneando conmigo. Translation: Pete's always fucking around with me.

16. comer † to copulate note Used in Perú, Ecuador, Colombia, Chile, Venezuela. Lit. "to eat". For other countries, see "cachar", "coger", "cepillar" ",montar", "tirar"

17. concha (fem. noun) † cunt note Uruguayan slang. La concha de tu madre (your mom's cunt) is a strong insult. La concha tuya (your cunt). Conchita (diminutive), Concha Peluda (hairy cunt) are other common uses of the word.

18. conejo (noun, masc.) rabbit (literally), cunt (fig.)

19. coño (noun, masc.) cunt note May be used as an interjection meaning surprise, annoyance, or physical pain.

20. correrse (verb, reflexive) to have an orgasm note the intransitive "correr" means to run. Only the reflexive form has a sexual connotation.

21. crica † pussy note Used mostly in Puerto Rico.

22. culear ‡ to move the ass (lit), to fuck (fig)

23. chacon (noun, fem) † cunt note This come from the Argentinian lunfardo (slang) where many words are inverted by sillabes. So the original is concha. La chacon de tu madre should be read as La concha de tu madre (Your mother's cunt)

24. chichis (noun) † Tits note Used to talk about "large" women. You know what I mean.

25. Chinga tu madre Fuck your mother note I think it speaks for itself.

26. chingar to fuck note Mexican Spanish. Can be used on its own or in a sentence as 'chinga tu puta madre'. Literally it means 'fuck your mother of a whore' and is used in the same sense as 'fuck you'.

27. chocho (adj. masc.) cunt note Has the same meanings in Spain as in Mexico. Can be used as verb: "chochear", meaning that you are senile; rude for people over 50 Ex. "Este tio chochea"

28. chocha (noun, masc. or fem.) cunt

29. Chupame la polla!!! ‡ Suck my dick note Someone wrote Chupar Es Mi pinga..... that doesn't make any sense, you could say 'Chupame mi pinga' or 'Chupame la polla' or 'Chupamela'. All of them are very rude.

30. Chupar Es Mi Pinga † suck my dick note pronounced- chewpar s me peenga

31. dar candela por el culo ‡ to take it up the ass;to fuck someone in the ass; note Cuban usage; Ex: A Maria le gusta que le dan candela por el culo. Translation: Mary likes to take it up the ass.

32. encular (verb) † to bugger note To fuck by the asshole.

33. Fachar (verb) to fuck a woman "Esta buena, yo me la facho" note used in Venezuela

34. follar (verb, trans. and intrans.) to fuck

35. foquin (adj.) † fucking note This is a Puerto Rican parroting of the English "fucking." It is pronounced "FOH-kin"

36. güebo † cock note noun used commonly in Santo Domingo instead of "pinga", especially in phrases such as "mama mi güebo" (suck my cock).

37. hacer la {una} paja to masturbate note The reflexive form ("hacerse una paja") means to masturbate oneself. The transitive form ("le hizo una paja a su amigo") means to masturbate somebody else.

38. hacer la sopa (verb) to perform oral sex to a woman, to lick a woman´s pussy (fig.) note Literally means " to make a soup" . Example : Te voy a hacer la sopa ( I am going to suck your pussy)

39. hacer un cuadro to make a daisy chain note Cuban usage. Vamos buscar tres jebas y hacer un cuadro. Translation: Let's find three broads and make a daisy chain.

40. hacer una cubana (transitive and regular verb, periphrasis) ‡ to place a man's pennis between woman's breasts and use these to shake it up, so that the man can jerk off on them note It is frequently used in Spain as to define the hottest act a woman may perform for a man.I.e: Hazme una cubana, hazme una cubanita.

41. hacerse las punjetas [nj as in Espanja} † To masturbate

42. joder (verb, trans. and intrans.) to fuck, to bother.

43. Jodete y aprieta el culo! ‡ Cuban slang. Means: Go fuck yourself! note Need anything be said of this expression?

44. La concha de tu madre ‡ Fuck your mother note Argentine- Chilean slang. Also "conche tu madre". Equivalent to Mexican "Chinga tu madre"

45. madre (noun, fem.) ‡ mother fucker note In Mexico, this is the same as saying "mother fucker". If you want to talk about your mother or someone else's mother in a friendly manner, say "mama". If you have a death wish, say "Oye! Tu madre!" on the streets of Mexico. Mexicans take their mother's very seriously!

46. mamar (verb, trans. and intrans.) to suck

47. me cago en ... ‡ fuck the ...; literally "I shit on ..." note examples: me cago en ...(San) Dios; la madre que te parió; la virgen santa; los santos de Covadonga; el obispo negro; la leche; etc.

48. meterla de mira quien viene ‡ to fuck doggie-style, to fuck in the ass note Cuban slang. Ex: Te la voy a meter de mira quien viene. Trans: I'm gonna fuck you doggie style.

49. mico ‡ monkey (lit), cunt note Costa Rica

50. mojar {el churro} (verb) † to screw, to fuck note Literally: Dip the "churro" (spanish pastry). Used in Spain, mainly in conversation between friends.

51. ñema † cock, specifically the glans penis note noun used in Santo Domingo in phrases such as "macañema" (from "mascar": to chew) meaning cocksucker.

52. pajero (noun, masculine) † Jerk-off; jackoff; person who masturbates note A car known in the US as the Montero is sold in some European markets as the "Pajero," a name which some of my Spanish and Portuguese friends find hilariously stupid.

53. pechos (noun, masc., plural) breasts

54. pelotas michinados (noun, fem., adj., masc.) † blue balls note pronounced "pay-low-tas mee-chee-na-doze." It used only in jest with close friends. Otherwise, its usage is quite strong. This is most commonly used in Mexico, Central and South America.

55. pepita (noun, fem.) pip, nugget (literally), clitoris (fig.)

56. Pinga † dick note pronounced- peen-ga

57. Pipote (noun) ‡ clitoris note Literally: "big sunflower seed". So called because of the resemblance in shape to the clitoris. Used mainly in southern Spain.

58. raja (noun, fem.) slit (literally), cunt (fig.)

59. regarse (verb, reflexive) to have an orgasm

60. singar de mira quien viene ‡ to fuck doggy-style note Cuban usage. Ex: A Maria le gusta singar de mira quien viene. Translation: Mary likes to fuck doggy-style.

61. sobo; sobarsela (sobarse la picha) ‡ to masturbate note Costa Rica

62. te voy a comer el bistec (male. noun) ‡ i'm gonna stimulate your genitals by suckin' them. note very rude guys use this phrase when they want to eat her partner's cunt. note: the literal translation of bistec is steak.

63. teta (noun, fem.) breast

64. Tirar ‡ to copulate note Used in Perú, Ecuador, Colombia, Chile, Venezuela. For other countries, see "cachar", "coger", "cepillar" ",montar", "comer"

65. tomar por {el} culo to be buggered note In the expression "A tomar por (el) culo" it means get stuffed, get fucked.

66. tonto (noun, masc.) ☺ pussy, cunt

67. tu madre tiene un pene. ‡ your mother has a dick note good to cut some ass hole who is buggi'n you :)

68. tu padre (madre) † fuck your father ! (short from of "me cago en tu padre !")

69. verga penis note Common usage: "Mamame la verga" = "Suck my dick"

13 Signs That Your Fling has Flung (dating humor)

How do you know if romance is really retreating? Here are 13 signals!

1. No longer holding hands in movies or farts in bed


2. Texting during foreplay


3. Fewer comments about your sister's rack


4. Blow jobs now on third Tuesday of the month only


5. No longer putting down toilet seat . . . or flushing . . . or wiping . . .


6. Discrete calls in the middle of the day just to berate you


7. Dog more excited to see him or her than you are


8. Dog providing more intimate conversations than him or her


9. Going from casual complaining to friends to creating a dedicated blog


10. Holding door only if some hottie is walking in behind you


11. Suggesting you try a third


12. Only staying together for the cats' sake


13. "As Good as it Gets" has given way to "As Engorged as it Gets"

20 Ways to Save $$ on Dates as Prices Rise! (dating humor)

By PuppetMaster

With everything going up these days, here are some tips to keep down the price of pursuing your prince or princess!

1. Samplings. Go to a wine shop or grocery store during wine and food samplings. After you get loaded, swing by a furniture store and get busy on one of the sofas in the back. It'll create cherished memories for everyone, including the security guy.

2. Movies. Instead of going out, rent a DVD. Better still, if it's one you've seen before, skip the rental and just annoy him or her by quoting lines from it until they either lead you to the bedroom or throw you out.

3. Wine. Sneak a bottle into the restaurant and take turns discretely slipping away to the bathroom to take swigs from a paper bag.

4. Brunch. Forgo that frilly meal with the linen tablecloth in favor of a simple, protein-rich blow job.

5. Sex toys. Make your own! Fido's gone to doggy heaven and won't be using that collar or leash anytime soon!

6. Exercise. Go for long, rambling walks for long, rambling conversations that bring up contentious subjects you might never have discussed until the much, much later. And you'll save even more money by calling it quits sooner!

7. Dessert. Offer to to split a dessert four ways with the couple next to you. In addition to the nice conversation, you might be able to hook up with one of them if it does work out with your date.

8. Volunteer date. Get the warm fuzzies by volunteering together to serve dinner at a homeless shelter. You'll get a hot meal and may even be able to score some killer weed.

9. Flowers. Drive by the flower shop dumpster after closing for slightly expired bouquets. Be sure to remove any used syringes or condoms from the arrangements so you don't dampen the effect.

10. Health care. Your fifth test maybe free! Inquire at your friendly STD clinic whether they have a loyalty program with a punch card or key fob.

11. Bathing. Save on spendy soap and water by going "old school" with your hygiene and showering once a week. Besides, it's important that they learn to appreciate you for what's inside...

12. Cell phone. That expensive plan is killing you! Instead of texting, send flirtatious smoke signals while burning all your old love letters.

13. Dating services. Do away with pricey dating services and look for dates at more conventional venues, like churches, grocery stores, and wayside restrooms.

14. Cologne/perfume. Make it yourself! How hard could it be?

15. Reuse. The Egyptians did it and so can you. Reuse condoms!

16. Donations. Take a trip 'a deux to the plasma center. Afterwards, join the other customers for a pint of Thunderbird in the park next door and watch the sun set over the aluminum recycling center.

17. Coupons. Yeah, nothing says romance like coupons.

18. Bookstores. Go book-browsing together. Better still, go book-stealing! They'll never suspect wholesome bores like you.

19. "Personal lubricant". Buy your KY in bulk containers and offer to share with a neighbor. Who knows what might develop??

20. Hobbies. Stay home, pop some popcorn and surf dating sites together and make fun of other people. It make you feel like less of a loser.

Sexy, Sappy or Slimey? (PART TWO). Dating Tips for Clueless Dudes

WINE:

Sexy: You can't go wrong with a good bottle of Pinot Noir or a Califonia Cabernet. Don't skimp and get the cheapest stuff. Save that for those lame dinner parties your married friends invite you to. And NEVER, EVER chill red wine. That's amateur league. So are rose or blush wines. If you need to bring a white wine to go with fish, or on a hot steamy summer evening, choose a California Chardonnay or a Sauvignon Blanc. And by the way, screw tops and plastic corks are becoming acceptable as long as it is a decent bottle of wine; real corks can spoil wine. And if Champagne is called for and you want a good bottle without paying big bucks, get the Roederer Estate.

Sappy: Riesling tops my list here. This is a dessert wine, and unless you're coming to her place for cheesecake, she'll know that you are wine illiterate. Even sappier: Blue Nun. Sappiest: wine coolers.

Slimey: Anything in a jug or a box lets everyone know what a hillbilly you are. And any wine made of a fruit other than a grape is just unforgiveable. But bringing a bottle of Everclear and dumping it in her juice when she isn't looking is the slimiest of all. That and powdered "date rape" alcohol.

DINING:

Sexy: Stay away from anything franchised and choose a local place with candles (white tablecloths optional), and if the weather is nice, a patio. You'll get cool points if you venture into foreign food. Of course you lose those points if you screw up the pronounciation on the menu. Advanced move: an evening picnic by candlelight.

Sappy: Anything that can be found along the highway frontage road in every American city. No Awesome Blossoms, got that? And NEVER, EVER go to a place like Old Country Buffet. Unless, of course, you are really, really OLD.

Slimey: If the pick-up truck to car ratio is more than 2 to 1, you are definitely in redneck territory. I don't care if the VFW Hall has the best ribs in town: no, no, NO! And if they take away your glasses after nine and replace them with plastic cups, get the hell out of there before someone gets hurt.

MUSIC:

Sexy: Take her to a little spot where they have independent rock or blues bands playing live music. I hate to say it, but jazz clubs are just tedious and OLD. Extra cool points for thoughtfully bringing her a pair of ear plugs. If the weather is decent, outdoor concerts are the best. And if you are under 30, you can get away with going to a night club, but make sure there is a decent-sized crowd there before you show up.

Sappy: Going to see cover bands (although a tribute band can be kind of fun) that play the same kind of crap you hear at work on the Oldies station. Even worse: polka bands.

Slimey: Taking her to the strip club "just because you enjoy the music."

GIFTS:

Sexy: For some reason, women are biologically attracted to jewelry. And I'm going to give you a great tip here on a gift that will work for your girlfriend as well as your mother: get her a Pandora bracelet. This is the perfect gift for dudes who can't stand putting a lot of thought, effort and cash into buying gifts. You start her off by giving her the chain and a couple of beads for under $100. Then on each occasion thereafter--her birthday, your anniversary of something, Valentine's Day, Christmas--you give her one or two MORE beads to add to it. It's kind of a "pay as you go" gift, and I guarantee she'll think it is the coolest.

Sappy: Forget the damned book of love poems or the Time-Life Collection of the 100 Greatest Love Songs of all times. No teddy bears, either.

Slimey: Two words: "crotchless panties." If she sees "Frederick's of Hollywood" on the box, you've got it all wrong. If she's worth dating, she'll already have a drawer filled with sexy lingerie that actually fits her.

And here's some other advice: Don't buy her clothes (unless it's a fun T-shirt or something tongue-in-cheek). Or perfume. I haven't met a dude yet who has given me clothes that fit or perfume that I'd ever wear.

The lamest gifts of all: boxed sets of DVDs that are really for YOU, not her.

The 8 Factors of Dating Profile Attractiveness (research-based!)

Classic example of what NOT to post on your dating profile:


Online dating and Internet-based social networks (such as Meetup.com), have given singles unprecedented opportunities to meet plenty of new people. Just login into the sites, and you'll have access to 40 million singles---half of all those in the US.

The sites don't offer just quantity, either. With search filters, you can narrow it down to a sizable pool of dream dates in seconds. Got a hole in the schedule? Go online and you can fill it in minutes.

So given all of this technology and all of the choices at our fingertips, why are you still spending hours glued to your computer screen and not getting anywhere with the babes and the dudes?

Online dating research experts think it's not them, but it's YOU. You've come to expect that this is all a numbers game and that the technology will eventually lead you to the perfect match. And it's the inflated expectations you have that lead to your insanity---going back for date after date and expecting someone better. Not being happy with the one you are with because there are 50 more on your wait list to churn through before you can relax.

Or even worse: the babes with the qualities you like want nothing to do with you. While we can't help you if you are truly a mess, here are some things you need to know to make sure you aren't blowing it on the details. These insights were gleaned from empirical research performed at the University of California at Berkeley, which has a whole departmental effort around the study of online dating:

1. LESS is MORE when it comes to profiles. The researchers have discovered that the more details you include in your profile, the more likely you will get a low response, because details are usually more TURN-OFFS than TURN-ONS. (Especially since most of those details are LIES). That said, those who are highly descriptive will find that the few who do contact them will generally be much more compatible.

2. MASCULINITY is the number-one predictor of "attractiveness" for women looking for men, when they see all of your profile: the photo, the fixed-choice answers and the freestyle essay. That said, there is a bit of a hitch: if you look slightly more feminine in your photo, it helps, but your essay needs to let 'em know you aren't gay. A nice metrosexual look is probably what they are going for.

3. EXTROVERSION is the number-one predictor of "attractiveness" for men looking for women when they see the whole profile. (They must think the extroverts put out more easily, don't you think?) And extroversion is a tie-breaker quality that women look for in men. So don't be so damned shy!

4. TRUSTWORTHINESS is the number-one thing women look for in a man's photo. So nix those shots of you with the two dozen beer bottles and the bimbo on your arm, dude! Throw away the shot with the cigar, sunglasses and smug little smirk. Genuineness and trustworthiness are those most important factors in your essay, too. So don't come across like a player or a smart-ass.

5. SELF-ESTEEM is the number-one thing men look for in a woman's photo. So ladies, trash-can those bedroom lingerie shots (or save them for Adult Friend Finder or Craigslist). They ain't helping you.

6. FEMININITY is the number-one thing men look for in a woman's essay. So quit talking about how you love football and hunting and are "just one of the boys." The last thing he wants to do with you is take you fishing, believe me. He has other things on his mind for you. That said, don't talk about your goofy girly hobbies, like scrapbooking. He definitely does NOT want to scrapbook with you.

7. THE PHOTO is the MOST important part of the profile for both men and women. You have to nail it with a great picture. If you include a dorky shot of you holding the camera into the bathroom mirror, you are doomed. Ask your opposite-sex friends to take your photo and choose the best one. And that one in which you wear your work uniform? Absolutely NOT!

8. BUT THE PHOTO ISN'T ENOUGH. You must also have a great essay. Don't know what to say? Contact me at this site and I'll make it over for you. (Seriously. I get fan mail for my profile writing.)

And remember, set your damned expectations appropriately. Everyone inflates their profiles. And as always, watch out for anyone asking you for money. (Well, except me, of course!)

A Guys' Guide to Dating Attire...If He's STRAIGHT (humor)

First, do no homo. When considering any wardrobe alteration, be sure to ask yourself: Will this make me look gay? (She says: However, this is in conflict with scientific research done by the University of California at Berkeley's Online Dating Research Institute. According to one paper, women are more attracted to men who look more feminine. There's a fine line between gay and metrosexual...)

No style IS a style. There is no "right" way for a heterosexual American man to dress. The "right" way to dress is to put on your pants one leg at a time, like a regular guy. America was built by rugged individuals who bought their stuff off the clearance rack at Sears.

The man makes the clothes. One must take care not to project the subtle message of "I care." If you look too put together, women will start expecting other stuff, like good manners and grooming.

Underwear. This is the foundation. But clean? (like Mom always said?) Nah! Your intention is not to parade around in them for more than a few dark, drunken seconds. Buy them in dark colors to camouflage the skid marks.

Socks. The simple elegance of a jumbo bag of tube socks is you never need to search for a mate AND they go with everything!

Jeans: Women love the rugged look of good-fitting designer jeans. But at $150 a pop? Rather, opt for a cheap pair with enough room to accommodate your gut after a night of over-indulgence.

Shirts: There are many stylish shirts on the market in a variety of colors and patterns. You don't need them. You will never need them. And colors and patterns don't matter because everything goes with jeans.

Shoes. A straight man need never own more than four pairs of shoes. One must be worn 90% of the time. The others can be for weddings, court appearances, hunting trips, etc.

Accessories. Women go for guys who appear like they can "get the job done." Therefore, anything clipped to a midsection is a turn on: cellphone, compass, fanny pack, asthma inhaler, etc.

She says: Here's what to do if you have no clue: a pair of jeans (choose the ones that best show off your butt), a loose-fitting white shirt--don't tuck it in if you have a gut--a dark-colored jacket or leather coat, dark shoes with dark socks, and if you are balding, just buzz it down. If you need hairspray, you have the wrong haircut. And for God's sake, no mustache unless accompanied by a close-cropped beard.